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Undoubtedly, having time alone plays a significant role
in many of the places where they work or play especially in today’s busy society. However, some people
say that having time with friends is more important to get rid of
stress while others do not. Both sides may have their own reasons to support
their own views. If I had to choose one, I would say that having time with
others is better than alone to relax and reduce stress. There are several
reasons as follows. (이유들을 간단히 소개하세요)
To begin with, when people interact with others, it will
give them more chance to increase their overall happiness. Doing activities
such as playing computer games with friends, playing sports is more enjoyable
way to reduce stress rather than having time alone in monotonous way.(why? How? Interacting with others 대한 디테일이 없습니다.) These social interactions tend to lessen
their high stress level. For example, when my sister was in high school, she
felt depressed, thinking that her life became an exhausting routine. She
spent almost time studying academic subjects hoping that she could out do
others. She felt pressured to perform well in order to survive in a
competitive school’s
atmosphere. Fortunately, she was able to release her stress a lot eby
playing soccer game with friends after school. It allowed her to let off some
steams and forget her worries about studies. As a result, she felt much better.
Otherwise, she could have involved herself in more undesirable activities
such as drinking alcohol, or sleeping whole day alone.
In addition, when people spend their time on their own,
it is easy to experience feeling of isolation. This is because when people do
solitary activities it tends to make them feel more depressed (why?) than when they enjoy their time with others. For example,
when I was in a high school, I was very introvert student. As I did not have
many friends I could hang out, I tried to relax on my own, doing activities
such as listening to music, watching the movies, and reading many books.
However, I realized that the more time I spent to relax, the more depressed I
became. No matter how I tried to get over my stress, I began to question
my shy personality having difficulty interacting others which decreased my
self-esteem. As this example clearly shows, without friends who can share many
activities and unwind after school, relax one would gain more stress.
All things considered, I strongly believe that it is more
desirable for people to have time with friends to relieve stress for the
reasons I have mentioned above. All in all the importance of being with others
cannot be overestimated in the pursuit of happiness in life
Writing 0-30 Score Scale
Fair (17-23)
Overall Comment: 내용이 부족한 부분이 많습니다. 서론에서는 이유들을 간단히 소개하세요. 본론에 첫 번째 문단에서는
interacting with others 가 어떻게 스트레스를 푸는지 설명하지 않았습니다. 본론의 2번째 문단에서는 왜
solitary activities가 사람들을 more depressed 만드는지 설명이
없습니다. 설명하는 디테일을 쓰면 근거를 더 잘 보완할 수 있습니다.