Whether children should not be allowed to play computer
games or not is a prevalent topic undergoing serious debate. Two different
opinions exist in regard to the given topic. After reviewing the opinions from
several perspectives, personally, I agree with the idea that it is a good idea
for children to play computer games for the following two reasons. Playing
computer game allows children to improve creative thinking and to relieve
stress.
To begin with, it can be beneficial to creative thinking.
While many consider that there are a lot of ways in promoting creative
ability (creativity), we cannot deny the fact that computer game gives
children visual images and fictional things and it can stimulate their creative
ability (creativity). Moreover, it provides a perfect opportunity for
individuals to innovate (refresh) their minds at an easy environment. Creative
ability (Creativity) is a required qualification for any successful person.
Evidently, large companies prefer people who have creative ability (creativity)
because these companies should (they want someone who can) cope with a
lot of complex tasks. For instance, my cousin used to (play) computer game all
day. Before long, she got a good job opportunity and she said that playing
the computer game was helpful to enhance creative ability
(creativity). For this reasons, creative ability (creativity) is vital that
(in) building a bright future.
-첫번째
주장의 결론이 밝은 미래를 위해 창의력이 꼭 필요하다라는 내용으로 마무리 되고 있습니다. 주제에 맞는
결론으로 이어주셔야 합니다. (->컴퓨터 게임이 창의력을 키우는데 도움이 된다.)
On top of that, to strengthen my viewpoint, playing
computer game is a great way to relieve stress. This is because children are
able to refresh their mind by having more time to rest and enjoy their time
with friends through computer games. In addition, last Friday, a well-known
professor of Seoul National University published an editorial in his field and as
a result, his study supported my view. He said that computer game is
essential for children because hormones and endorphins that release (are
released) form human body arouse individuals to relieve stress and actively
participate in school and to do their best. He concluded his study by saying
that this proves to us that people who have no stress can develop positive and
confidence behavior by playing computer games.
In conclusion, I strongly argue that my standpoints of the
two reasons are sufficiently convincing. In this regard, I believe that playing
computer game should allow to (be allowed to) children because it
enables children to improve creative ability (creativity) and to relieve
stress.
Grade : Fair (18-23)
Overall Comment : 주장을 뒷받침하는 의견의 내용이 부실합니다. 첫번째 의견과 두번째 의견의결론이 명확하게 전달되지 않았습니다. 또한
같은 표현이 계속 반복되어 쓰여지는 것을 피하고 접속사의 올바른 사용법과 어휘의 쓰임새에 대해 더 집중해서 연습하시면 충분히 높은 성적을 기대하실
수 있습니다.
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