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Some people argue that a city should try to destroy them <- what is them? and replace them with modern buildings rather than preserve its old,
historic building. However, in my opinion, this perspective is not true for two
following reasons which I am going to elaborate. To begin with, preserving a city’s historic things buildings allows that country to be a valuable nation
in the world. In detail, having valuable building culturally is becoming
increasingly important for country these days, as the whole world has been
placing an emphasis on cultural properties. Thus, country must change their
policies to suit what the world requires. In other words, city should maintain
ancient structure since it is a country’s responsibility to keep up with world’s
standard. <- 국제 사회에서 중요하기 때문에 중요하다 보다는, 역사적 의미,
의의, 역사적인 사건의 잔재 이기 때문에 함부로 건드릴 수 없다 등으로 설명하는게 좋을거
같아요. 왜 국제 사회에서 보존 하려고 하는지 생각 해보세요. For examples, a survey was conducted by UCLA’s research department. The survey participants were
asked if they agree with the idea that conserving a city’s historic building leads to valuable country. The result showed
that 79 percent of the participants answered that they are in favor of this
idea. Further, their opinion was supported with logical reasons. This survey
confirms my viewpoint. In addition, if city destroys historic building and
replaces them with new one, country
should put enormous money. Money is undeniably important to country in
today’s materialistic world. To elaborate,
money is powerful since it provides freedom and choices. Because of its
importance, a country can retain its position in the world, so country should
spend money carefully. Also, it is good way to spend money to improve citizens’ welfare rather than to change fresh building. Take Warren Buffett,
for instance. He is a globally recognized CEO and an investor. Listed among
Time’s 100 Most Influential People, Buffett emphasized
importance of a country’s financial stability in his
interview. Such comment sounds highly convincing since he is a well-known man
of success. <- 돈의 중요성에 대한 에세이 쓰는게 아닙니다. 왜 building
new buildings 가 돈 많이 들고, 이것이 왜 ineffective
한지 설명을 해주세요. On the whole, I believe I have accurately
demonstrated my point of view on this matter with two concrete reasons and
evidence stated above. Since views of life and values differ among individuals,
it seems like this subject will always remain controversial. Writing 0-30 Score
Scale Limited (0-16)
Overall Comment: Body 1 내용 수정 해주세요. 국제사회에서 중요하다고 규정하기 때문에 중요하다 라는 의견은 설득력 없어요. 역사적인 의미와 연관 지어 주세요. Body 2 에서는 money 에 대한 에세이 쓰는게 아닙니다. 왜 돈이 많들고, 이것이 ineffective 한지 생각해보세요. |