▶ Your Answer :
There might be some people who believe that in twenty years there will be more cars in use than there are today. However, I personally disagree with the above idea for the two subsequent reasons. First, development of means of transportation would reduce the number of cars. Second, people’s life style will change.
Firstly, means of transportation would reduce the number of cars. Over the past few decades, many public transportation options have improved such as the subway lines and high speed rail trains. Today’s people don’t need to use personal cars due to the improvement by improving of public transportation’s options. Let me bring up my grandfather’s personal story as an example. When he was attending university in Seoul in the 50’s,<(which 50's? his age? 1950's? 1850's?) the only public transportation was a buses. If When he wanted to visit other places without bus lines where didn’t have bus line he needed to rent a should rend car from other people. However, today these days, he has many options of public transportation that a car is not necessary.
Secondly, people’s life style would change. To be specific, twenty years later, people would concentrate on making a better natural environment than today.<(이 내용을 prove할수 있어야합니다) Today’s natural environment has been aggravated by using fossil fuel. Today’s people recognize the condition of nature and they try to make a better natural environment. The first step of making a better natural environment is using public transportation. According to recent research done by Korea University, 60% of respondents said that they have endeavored to take public transportation such as the bus rather than their own cars for the natural environment. This clearly shows that twenty years later there would be much more people who try to make the environment better natural environment.<(현재가 그렇다고 해도 20년에도 그럴것이다 는 assumption에 불과합니다)
In conclusion, increase of public transportation’s options and change of people’s life style would make decrease of the number of cars in use. For these reasons, in twenty years there will be fewer cars in use than there are today.
Total Score: Limited to Fair (16~18) Comment: Repetitive한 표현이 많습니다. 조금 더 다양한 표현을 쓰시는 것을 추천합니다. 또한 coherence가 조금 떨어집니다. 또한 내용은 좋지만 20년 후의 결과 보다는 현재의 결과에 더 focus를 하신 것 같습니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 코멘트나 수정을 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |