▶ Your Answer : In the modern society, there are many stories materials about people's success. However, recently, a debate regarding whether successful people try to gain new things of what they do not have well, has been brought upon.<(질문의 주제와는 다릅니다 자기에게는 없는 새로운것을 얻는게 아니라 새로운 시도를 하고 리스크가 있는 시도를 한다~입니다) While a sizable number of the populace may assert that success of people is obtained by more doing what they already know have skill already. Were it not for doubt, <(??) people should try new things for their success. (Need better transition) The primary reason is that people can broaden their intelligence and it is good for their relationship.<(good for their relationship을 broaden한다는 것은 많이 어색합니다) When people try to getting new things, it is beneficial for them. They can learn many different things such as new skills, and how to getting along with others from different majors. As a result, people can gain new knowledge and broaden their relationship. Take my experience as an example. During my freshman year of university, I joined a discussion club. By talking for every Monday with various subjects, my intelligence increased and I could meet new friends. Therefore, this example shows that people can expand their intelligence and it helps with to their relationship. <(little irrelevant) What is more compelling is that people can get a job and earn a lot of money. This is because nowadays, many companies prefer people with a variety of skills and a having challenging mental, not skill for one part. Companies think that people who try to new things are more useful and adapt well. Take a research conducted by University of Boston for instance. According to the research, eighty-nine percent of students who learn to a new major or skill, have a tendency to face more job opportunities. One of the respondents, Jim said that he obtain a great job because he was do not afraid to learning new things. Thus, this research indicates that people are likely to obtain a job.<(what kind of people?) In light of these facts presented, trying new things and taking risks can lead to success are ble to obtain success. Not only can people can increase their intelligence and build a network help to their relationship, but they can also people can obtain a job.
Score: Limited (10~14) Comment: Trying new things = increase intelligence and building a network 이지만 이것이 equals success이라는 것을 서술해주시지 않았습니다. 또한 trying new things에 대해서만 서술해주셨습니다. Taking risks에 대해서는 서술해주시지 않았습니다. 또한 success이라는 것에 대한 focus 보다는 new things를 시도 하면 이렇다 라고만 해주셨습니다. 그렇기 때문에 에세이가 전체적으로 조금 off topic입니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 수정이나 문법을 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다 수고 하셨습니다. |