▶ Your Answer :
People
cannot stand alone. While
supporting and communicating each other, human race develop the
culture. <-> 연결이 잘 안되요. Transition 에
신경 조금 더 써주세요. Some might think the extended family
members are still important. However, in my opinion, they are less crucial than
the past. This is because that they influence less on each other due to the
proximity and parents are getting more intimate these days. Among other things, the extended
family cannot influence on the family members than before. Why? Since they often live too far away or
busy with their own work, they tend to not pay attention to their relatives. To
illustrate, my grandfather used to share his house with his brother’s family. As a
result, my father had many chances to spend time with his cousins. While growing together, not only do
they all ate meals and went to bed at the same time but also helped studying
and competed for school grades. However, after getting married and having their
own family, they seldom contacted each other and drifted apart. <- Extended family 의 정의는 대가족입니다. 한 가정에
여러 family member 가 사는 의미 입니다. Live close/far
는 이번 주제와 관련성 없는 내용입니다. On
the other hand, now, it is the era of the nuclear family. Parents are the most
powerful people in their family. They
are always being there for members and exert their influence
significantly. Since they
are living under the same roof, they teach their children discipline and social
rules they have to follow. <- Why? 과거에는 grandparents 가 가정에서 가장 힘이 있어는데 왜 지금은 parents
가 most powerful 한가요? 이러한
trend 에 맞춰서 대가족->핵가족 화 되었다 라고
설명 해주세요. For example, most
children’s emergency contacts are their parents. They do not depend on
their aunts or cousins since their relatives live their own lives in somewhere
far away. The only concern they care about might be funerals or weddings
because they have to contribute their money to the ceremonies. 친척과 비교하지말고, 대가족<->핵가족/ 과거<->현재
비교 해주세요. In conclusion, more and
more nuclear families are getting crucial these days than the extended families
were in the past because of the distance between members. Therefore, I firmly
agree with this given statement stated above. Writing 0-30 Score
Scale Limited (0-16)
Overall Comment : 내용이 전체적으로 Off-topic 이에요. 본인이 에세이에 써야할 부분은, 왜 nuclear family 가 더 중요해졌는지에 대한 설명이에요. 위에 있는 코멘트 꼭 읽어주세요. Brainstorming 할때
keyword 잘 생각 해주세요. Family structure,
past/present, influence 에 대해 더 고민 해보세요. |