There have been lots of debates
whether that It is important to know about events happening around the
world even if it is unlikely that they affect your daily life or not. I
personally agree with it because information regardless of field can be money.
To begin with, it is not too
much to say
that information is scattered around world that help to increase your earnings
and revenue. <- 어색합니다. 수정 해주세요. Furthermore,
there are so many examples of ‘Butterfly
impact’
and we are always influenced by them. As checking events as many as we can,
People can minimize risk of their choices and make wise decision how to step
forward. <- How? + Why? 이것과 또 earnings/revenue 와 무슨 관계가 있나요?
For example, civil war happened in middle Asia can make oil
price increase and it can make devaluation of your stocks. You can have
plummeted stocks after 3 months, unless you check the information. It is the
reason why I think know many events and cases around world although it seems
like irrelative with me. <- world economy 가 inter-related 되어 있어서,
투자 정보를 미리 얻을수 있다 라고 명확히 설명 해주세요.
Second, there are cause & effect
relationship between events around world and our daily lives. Even going to
grocery store for shopping, we can see frits on display is changed in
every day. In case of South Korea, about decades ago we never imagined that topical fruits can be served as
dessert such as mango, dragon fruits and fig. We can find the reason from FTA
agreement uploaded as the first news of today’s newspaper or overproduction of tropical fruits as government
policy for special reasons. It means checking up-to-date news every day is
helpful for us to understand why environment around us is changed so fast and
diversely. Because of these reasons, I believe that people who subscribe high
quality magazines can be successful statistically to others. <- FTA 나 우리 사회에 일어나는 cause & effect 가 있으면 우리 life 를 affect 하는 것이므로, 문제와 모순 되는 내용이에요. + News around the world 가 우리한테 영향을 미치니까,
우리랑 영향없는 뉴스를 알아야 된다 라는 논리도 받아들이기 어려워요.
To conclusion, Things related with us
are influenced by events around us not only directly but also indirectly. It
looks like simple but actually it is the outcome of combination of simple and
complex factors in all of field around the world. Namely, It is critical not to
take eyes off events occurring globally even if it looks like valueless to our
daily lives.
Writing 0-30 Score
Scale
Limited (0-16)
Overall Comment : Body 1 내용은 unorganized 되어 있어요. 위에
코멘트 부분 꼭 읽어주세요. Why? How? 에 대한 설명을 해주세요. Body 2 내용은 모순적이였어요. 문제 자체를 부정 하는 설명
같아요. 우리한테 영향을 준다 보다는, 시사상식, 토론, 지성 이런 이유도 생각해보세요.