▶ Your Answer :
Among the important
human rights, freedom takes the highest priority as proved in the first
sentence of many countries' the Korean Constitution; all the citizens should be guaranteed
freedom. 보편적인 가치이므로 굳이 한국으로 범위를 좁히지 않는 편이 좋습니다. However, the execution of the freedom should follow the execution of
responsibilities. When someone enjoys freedom but does not follow the
responsibility, we can find the necessity to limit the freedom. I would explain
further details below.
First of all, when
a person’s misbehavior disturbs other people’s peaceful lives, the person
should be regulated with his behavior. 마지막의 밑줄 친 내용과 같이 다른 사람이 받을 피해를 방지하기 위해서 약간의 자유에 대한 규제가 필요하다, 라는 부분이 현재 문단의 중심내용입니다. 간단하게 짧은 문장으로 정리해서 두괄식 문형에 맞게 첫부분에 문단의 요지를 먼저 소개하고 설명 내용을 연결해주세요. 현재 문단은 '왜, 어떻게 그런지'에 대한 설명도 빠져 있기 때문에 보완이 필요합니다. For example, in Korea, there is a law
forcing a criminal, who repetitively rapes girls, to wear an electronic
bracelet in order to alarm others and to permanently record the crime history on
the criminal’s body. This law is regarded to be appropriate since by
understanding the history of repetitive crime-commits of a person, the public will
be careful when they face the a dangerous person. Moreover, according to the
statistics center, after beginning this policy, the rate of rape commitments
has decreased a lot. Like this, to keep the safe and peace for the entire
society, a small fraction of risks should be prevented in advance, although the
prevention limits a freedom of certain people.
Also, to effectively
run an organization, some confinements for freedom are inevitable. To be
specific, if all the people do whatever they want in a society, the society
must be kept in an entire chaos. This is why many controls are included in
legislatures. 모두가 하고 싶은대로 하는 것이 왜 사회적 혼란을 유발하는지를 좀 더 구체적으로 설명해도 좋을 것 같습니다. For example, we can guess a company without any time regulation,
allowing employees to come and go home whenever they want. In this case,
employees will hardly meet in the office each other, and thereby even having a
meeting will be difficult. This makes it is hard for the company to get an advantage of
collaboration among employees and will result in a low productivity. 사례 내용은 특정 상황을 가정하는 것보다 실제로 있었던 일이나 연구결과, 내용 인용 등을 활용하는 편이 좋습니다.
To sum up, I think
that the freedom cannot be unconditionally guaranteed. The responsibility as a
good member should go first before freedom. If the freedom is enjoyed without
appropriate regulation, the peace of the public can be hardly sustained. In
addition, effectivity of a society is also achieved by a proper control of
individual’s freedom.
Writing 0–30 score scale Fair (21-23)
사회안전이나 사회질서를 근거로 입장을 피력한 부분이 좋습니다. 다만 아직 주장에 대한 설명이 부족하거나 피상적으로 느껴지는 부분들이 아쉽습니다. 두괄식 문형에 맞게 주장을 제시하고 그에 대한 구체적인 설명과 사례 제시로 논리를 정리하는 연습을 많이 해 주시면 좋을 것 같아요. 전반적으로는 논점에 맞게 잘 쓰셨습니다. 수고 많으셨습니다. ^^
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