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Some people think giving money differently
depending on ageis not effective. However,
in my opinion, getting money depending on grade is beneficial to students in
terms of having a responsibility and buying items regarding to supplies for
school.
To begin with, when students obtain more
money as they grow up, they find out that their responsibility of using money
wisely is required. Since parents have trust on kids as they are growing up,
they provide more money. For instance, my cousin tended to waste money for
buying unnecessary items such as toys. However, as he is getting (got) older and mature, he didn’t spend money as
he did before. He felt sense of responsibility as his parents offer more money
than before. Now, he rarely use (money) on buying needless clothes or shoes
after he became teenager.
Additionally, school supplies of teenager
are more expensive than of younger age students. It is fair that obtaining big
amount of money when a child is growing up. Also, not only buying books is
prerequisite for teenager, but also listening online course is common in
nowadays. According to the survey conducted by Harvard University, old
student’s books are 5 times(more) costly than (those of)younger students. This shows that big
amount of money is necessary in order to prepare their books. (교육에
도와줘서 effective 하다고 표현하세요)
Writing 0-30 Score Scale
Fair (17-23)
Overall Comment: 표현력이 우수합니다. 의견을 뒷받침 하는 적절한 이유와 예시를 선택했습니다. 그러나, 결론이 없습니다. 결론을 (요약-맺음말) 쓰세요. 사소한
문법 오류도 있습니다. 동사 안 맞는 경우가 많습니다. 본론에서
이유들을 주제와 다시 연결하세요. 왜 effective 한지
설명이 없습니다.