▶ Your Answer :
As In an ever changing society, people benefit
from developments of technology. However, this trend negatively affects many
creatures, especially when numerous animals are suffering from human
activities, and we take responsibility to protect them because disappearing
animals means that people
are treated as well (What does it mean?) , they play a significant role in
preventing environment pollution.
First of all, animal's death is one of
the indicators which mean that people can died off by same reasons. (Awkward sentence) This is because this signifies that some factors who which people cannot recognize negatively
affects by diverse change such as pollution, warmer climate and dearth of food.
Thus, animal's situation is similar with future's persons. For example,
scientist experimented to figure out some byproduct when they
produce some medicine because animals have similar construct. In addition to physical
similarity, they are subject to happen to environment. In other words, when
scientist continually tried to find connection between humans and animal.(Incomplete sentence) As a result, people have to protect
themselves in advance through saving endangered animals. On top of that, environment is getting
lost its ability to clean up on their own ways
by declining the number of animals. This is due to the fact that mammal makes
ecosystems to operate properly since their activity has a positive effect on flourishing natural connection
around them. For example, their refuse gives the huge amount of plants nourishment, in turn;
the plants become resources to herbivorous animals. In this process, the
environment purifies could purify itself. Actually, people are parts of animals. It means that it is obvious that people can be affected by disconnecting this cycle
due to losing food sources like fish, meat and vegetable. Not only that, all
animals including human beings would suffer from unclear environment, and one
species' extinction points out the whole creature's crisis. All things considered, to sustain average
ecosystem and to evade people's threat, people should make effort to overcome
the situation that animals are gradually intimidated by many factors. In this
regard, animals are precious
presence in order to survive human beings.
채점기준표
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Grammar
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Contents
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Example
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Coherence
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점수
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3
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3
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2
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2
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Score
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Fair 18-19
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전체적인 문장이 다소 애매모호하고, 첫번째 logic은 people are destined to die as animal
was died 와 같이 강한 어조로 암시되어 있어요. 이러한 문장은 타당한 논지라고 보기 힘듭니다. 또한 incomplete 한 문장과 disconnect
this cycle과 같이 설명이 부족한 문장들이 연관성을 낮추기 때문에 명확한 설명이 뒷받침되지 않는 한 불필요한 문장은 생략하여 주세요.
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