▶ Your Answer :
We
are facing serious environmental pollution these days due to the huge amount of pollutants from factory and
transportation operations and from the consumption of valuable resources from
diverse manufacturing activities. Although there are many resources that we
must protect, I would assert that the most important resource that we must put
the priority to keep is the clean water. I will explain further details below. First
of all, water is vital for all the creatures’ existence.
We can simply know this from the fact that scientists have been hypothesizing
that there had been at least a creature in Mars after they found the evidence
which proves there were water flows in Mars. This explicitly shows that just
the existence of water is enough to explain a creature’s
existence. From this, we can see how critical the water is for living things.
Also, when we remind that the water consists of 70% of our bodies, we easily
realize that the intakes of clean water are more than just important for our
lives. This would not be the only case of human but it applies to all the
creatures on earth. These are the basis for my assertion that the clean water
is the most important resource that we should protect. Secondly, I would introduce another
reasoning to underscore the significance of the clean water sustenance by
mentioning so many threats for it. To be specific, although water is such a
fundamental factor for all the creatures’ existence,
as mentioned before, there are so many risks that can harm the clean water such
as chemical pollutants which leak into clean water and destroy the whole the water body. In addition, pollutants in the atmosphere can
be blamed to pollute clean water as well. These air pollutants can diffuse
into water surface, bringing toxic ingredients to the water body. Also, global
warming affects the quality of waters as well. As the water temperature is
rising, organisms in the water decay more rapidly and this forms the Red Ocean
or Green Ocean, which are not appropriate for the human to use. With these
threats from pollution sources, we find the necessity to input more efforts to
keep the clean water. To sum up, we should concentrate on the
water protection at first. Water is the vital source for all the creatures as
well as human being. However there are so many perils that threat the
sustenance of clean water these days. Therefore we should put more efforts to
protect the clean water around us.
채점기준표
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Grammar
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Contents
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Example
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Coherence
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점수
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4
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4
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3
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3
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Score
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Good 20-23
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전반적인 idea들이나, 어법의 사용은 모두 좋으신 편이에요. 다만, 첫번째 논지가 다소 water의 vital한 요소에만 집중이 되어있는 느낌이 들어요. Mars 의 예시는 다소 포인트가 어긋난 느낌이 있구요. Water 라는 resource가 “어떤 측면”에서 영향을 주는지를 밝혀주시고(사회적/경제적/물질적으로) 왜 saved 되어야 하는지를 말해주셔야 합니다.
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