▶ Your Answer :
Various opinions may exists over the argument whether students should
not do many things at the same time such as using the Internet, cellphones, listening to music for better learning. I am
As far as concerned, I am in complete
disagreement with the argument. The two ideas stated below can be a valid
evidence to support my view.
First of all, thanks to the advancement of technology, especially
the Internet, smart phones in modern days, people should admit that the
Internet and smart phones are become useful learning tools in modern days. (thanks to뒤에 이어지는 말이 부적절합니다. “기술발달 덕분에, 사람들은 받아들여야한다~” 이상합니다. “기술발달 덕분에,
현대 사회에서 스마트폰과 인터넷은 좋은 learning tools이 되었다”라고 말하는 것이 적절하겠습니다) 또한 첫 번째 문장은 근거와 주장을
연결시켜 한 마디로 정리되는 편이 좋으므로, 좋은 learning
tools이므로, 공부할 때에 함께 사용하는 것이 오히려 learning에 도움이 된다-까지 말해서 주장과 연결시켜주면 더 주제와
연관되어 보입니다. When society was
underdeveloped, students had to spend tremendous amounts of time and efforts finding materials they needed. However, as
technology is coming closer and closer towards the cutting edge, finding
information is so much easier and faster these
days. For example, according to a survey about the studying methods conducted by Seoul
University, most of the surveyed students answered that they were strongly
helped by the Internet and cellphones when they work on assignments. They
always utilize dictionaries and various contents with cellphones as well as
they access the Internet in order to communicate with professors and friends when they have some questions. They also
responded if it had not been for these convenient functions and of the Internet, they might not have completed
their assignments. In this regard, it would be never be a disturbance to access the Internet and use
their cellphones while studying because students can study effectively by using
the Internet and cellphones.(표현 반복)
Furthermore, listening to music is beneficial in that musics can
improve students’ concentration. Some older
people sometimes criticize the students who when they find a student studies while
listening to music. However, there is a research about the music effects.
According to a renowned professor, it is evident that the studying efficiency
is increased when people listen to music. Also, he goes on to say that some
people cannot focus on studying if they are at in too quiet places. Likewise, his statement proves that listening to music
makes it is possible to enhance concentration. Thus, I believe that
there is no problem when students study with music.
Taking all of these reasons into consideration, we should disagree with
the argument that students should not do many things at the same time such as
using the internet, cellphones, listening to music for better learning. Unlike
most people’s concern, doing many things at the same
time can be beneficial for better learning.
Writing 0–30
score scale
Fair(16-23)
일부 어색하게 사용된 문장들이 있고, 전체적으로 반복되는 문장이 지나치게 많습니다. 특히 주제문에서 나온 표현이 계속해서 등장하는데, 여러번 반복해서
쓰기 보다는 대명사로 표현해줘도 좋겠습니다. 첫 번째 근거가 learning을
하면서 “동시에” 인터넷,
휴대폰을 하는 것이 오히려 모르는 것이 생겼을 때 즉각적으로 해결할 수 있게 도와 deep
learning을 가능하게 한다-는 요지이므로, 근거가
꼭 assignment에 대한 통계자료일 필요 없이, 본인의
경험등을 사용하는 것이 좋겠습니다. Off-topic으로 보이지는 않는데, 다만 주제의 핵심이 무언가를 “동시에”하는 것이 배움에 방해가 되는가-이므로, 근거를 설명할 때 at the same time을 강조해서 동시에
하는 것이 나쁘지 않다-고 주장하면 주제와 명확하게 연결되겠습니다. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ |