▶ Your Answer :
Various opinions may exist over the argument that teachers had greater
influence on young people in the past than they do today. As far as I am
concerned, I am in complete disagreement with the argument. The two ideas
stated below can be used to support my view.
First of
all, thanks to the advancement of technology, especially the Internet in
modern days, people should admit that life moves faster than ever. Thanks to~뒤에 peoples should admit~은 상당히 어색합니다. ~덕분에
사람들은 받아들여야한다~라는 말 보다 ~덕분에 ~가 가능해졌다.는 말이 훨씬 자연스럽습니다. 또한 근거의 첫 문장은 근거의 요지와 주장을 연결시켜 이 문단의 핵심을 한 마디로 설명하는 문장이 되는 편이
좋습니다. As the technology is coming closer and closer
towards the cutting edge, finding information that we need and
becoming knowledgeable through the internet is so much easier and faster than
ever. However,
the problem with this is that most of the information and knowledge in the Internet is conveyed
with the source’s viewpoint and people can easily become short-sighted and
biased today.->앞의 내용은 불필요하고, 과거보다 현재에 더 biased되기 쉬우므로 학생들을 guide해줄 사람이 필요하다-에 집중하여 설명해주세요 In
addition, they are likely to miss chance to broaden their horizon without any helps from
elder person such as teachers and parents. Therefore, teachers had greater
influence on their students in enhancing their insights and outlooks that could
have been narrow.이 말이
핵심인데, 앞에 지엽적인 내용들이 불필요하게 길어서 요지를 흐리게합니다. According
to a renowned professor, it is evident that people can attain their goal of
having well-balanced views in a much more effectual way when they were helped
by their teachers. He also goes on to say that it is people that have
lack experience with their teachers usually become short-sighted and biased for people
that have lack experience with their teachers. Likewise, his statement
proves that my argument is convincing.
In addition,
teachers nowadays have greater
influence on young people because their students can acquire an
outcompeting advantages over other candidates in a job market. Today, people
face fierce competition in a job market since there are too many applicants
with not so many jobs available. Consequently, it has become tremendously
difficult for people to find suitable and rewarding jobs. Therefore, in order
for young people to become desirable job applicants and find success in their
future career, people should be competent by learning about various facts and
issues from their teachers as much as they can. 즉 과거보다 구직이 힘들어졌고, 구직에 교사가 도움이 되므로, 과거보다 교사가 더 중요하다-는 논리인데, 구직에 교사가 도움이 되는 이유는 교사에게서 많이 배우기
때문-이라는 내용이 설득력이 약합니다. 오히려 과거에 비해서
교사의 (구직에 있어서) 중요성이 증대된 부분이 있어서 그러하다-고 설명했으면 더 좋겠습니다 Regarding this point, the
significance of teacher cannot be overemphasized enough. According to a survey
conducted by Seoul National University, more than eighty percent of the
recently-hired respondents admitted that they tremendously benefited from their
teacher’s advice and teaching when they were looking
for a job. They also responded that if it had not been for teacher’s advice they might not have prepared interviews and might not have
got a job they wanted. Given this situation, young people get stronger
influenced by their teacher that they did in the past.
Conclusion 없음
Writing 0–30
score scale
Limited-Fair(15-19)
일단 conclusion은 꼭 짧게라도 적어주세요. 전체적인 표현력에는 문제가 없는데, 사소한 실수들이 종종
있으므로 이에 주의해주시는 것이 좋겠고 일부 반복되는 표현이나 불필요하게 긴 내용들은 생략해주세요. 핵심은 과거보다 현재에 교사의 중요성이 크다-라고 주장하는 것인데, 교사의 중요성은 잘 드러나나, 과거에 비해 변한 부분이 굳이 ‘교사’와 연결되지 않아 설득력이 약해 보입니다.(구직이 힘들어진 것 자체는 교사와 관련이 크게 있지 않으므로) 오히려
elder people과 접할 기회가 과거보다 적어져서(핵가족화
등으로 인해) 교사의 역할이 더 중요해졌다-는 식의 근거가
더 적절해 보입니다. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ |