Opinions might be divided over whether cars
have influenced human society than airplanes. As far as I am concerned, I am in
total disagreement with the given statement for the following reasons.
The first point is that airplanes have influence on
society of human because taking airplane shows an outstanding
effectiveness in improving social skills since
they(->it) enable people 2) to travel abroad, unlike cars.
Modern society admittedly requires people who surpass others in both specialty
and sociability. To be more specific, interpersonal relationships and social
skills are necessary qualifications of any successful person. Given the need of
collaboration today, people often take airplanes with their friends to visit
many countries. Therefore, airplanes have more influence than cars. A research
conducted by a renowned professor named Jack Scully from The University of
Toledo indicates people who travel to other countries can attain the goal of
forming solid relationship with their friends when having the same
accomplishment is stunted for people who do not have same opportunity.
Moreover, this accomplish is somewhat impossible because people can easily have
trip to foreign countries through airplanes. However, having trip is difficult
with cars. Likewise, his research proves influence of airplanes on human
society.
주어가 Taking airplane일 때 뒤에서 they로 받아줄 수 없습니다. 유럽 같은 경우는 차로 다른 나라를 여행 할 수 있습니다. (의견
약함) 차와 비행기의 운송 모드가 사회성에 미치는 영향에 대한 서술이 아니라 단순히 해외 여행을 많이 하는 사람이
사회성이 좋다는 내용으로 전개되는 것 같습니다. 제시된 주제에 맞게 왜 비행기라는 모드의 특성이 사회성
발달에 영향을 미치는 지 좀 더 구체적으로 서술해야 합니다.
Furthermore, airplanes influence on modern society by
helping people to have enhanced outlooks and insights about foreign cultures.
People are immersed by tons of information and knowledge through formalized
education. However, the information and knowledge is conveyed with the source’s
viewpoint and if they do not have chances experience or broaden their horizon,
they can easily become shortsighted. In order to have well-balanced views, they
are encouraged to experience different cultures from other areas. To
experience this, airplanes are best transportation systems because they can
bring people to different areas easily with fast speed. As a result, the
benefit stated above can be acquired fast. A survey conducted by a world
top-tier university indicates that people can experience various cultures from
many places only through airplanes and as a result, they are able to acquire
more information about different cultures. People cannot have this benefit
through cars. In this respect, the given topic is untrue.
All in all, because of the reasons mentioned above, I
firmly believe that airplanes influence more on human society because they
enable people to have better friendship through their ability to fly to other
countries and people can access to diverse cultures through airplanes.
Grade : 24-30 (Good)
Overall Comment : 전반적인 문법과 어휘의 구성이 훌륭합니다. 다만 주장이 약한 부분을
보완할 수 있도록 에세이 구성 방법에 대해 연습하고 자신의 의견을 뒷받침하는 튼튼한 주장을 develop 해야합니다.
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