There might be some
people who believe that when young people select a job in the same field
as their parents (when young) than to choose different career for
themselves (is better and) this is likely to bring a better result in thier
life, while others do not. Both sides may have their own reasons to support thier
views. If I had to choose one, I would say that young people have to select a
job in the same field as their parents do. There are several reasons as
follows.
-문법에 맞게
문장을 써야
합니다. 문장을
간결하고 핵심
적인 내용만을
작성할 수
있도록 연습해주세요.
To begin with,
selecting a job in the same field as their parents do enables young
people to achieve greater success in life. When young people have a problem
with their work, parents can quickly give them advise (advice). Parents'
advise (advice) serve (serves) as a tool to help young people
correct themselves, stay out of trouble and improve themselves. When such advise
(advice is) well taken, they (young people) can easily deal with
their problems. For instance, many research teams, including the Tokyo Research
Center, analyzed two group (groups) of young laywers (lawyers).
One group consisted of those whose one of parents was also laywer
(lawyer). the (The) other group was made up of those whose parents
had different careers with them. The researcher found that the first group was
likely to have a higher score in law firm's annual estimation than the
latter. in particular, the first group showed a greater judgment (judgement),
a stronger passion in their tasks and a better analystical (analytical)
skill because when they had problems, they easily got help from their parents.
This clearly shows that choosing a job in same field with their parents is the
key to success, academically as well as professionally.
Also, when young people
choose a job in the same field as their parents do, this can increase
their overall happiness in life (increases). It gives them more chance (chances)
to interact with their loved ones in today's cynical (cynical) society.
Being with people they take care of tends to prevent them from feeling lonely.
Let me bring up my personal example. When my sister was in high school, she
often felt depressed because it is (was) difficult to make friends she
could rely on; all of them seemed busy and indifferent to others (each
other). They even treated (regarded) each other as rivals. Fortunately,
she was able to get over her feeling of loneliness by working in the same field
as her parents did. When she became a medical doctor, she was able to
relate to her mother who was also a medical doctor working for the Red
Cross. By doing this, she was able to connet (connect) with them more
easily and promote thier relationships.
All things considered,
I strongly believe that young people must select a job in the same field as
parents do for the reasons I have mentioned above.
Grdae : Fair
(18-23)
Overall Comment : 전반적으로 스펠링 오류가 많이 발견되었습니다. 또한 적절한
어휘의 사용과 문법이 부족한 문장들이 있습니다. 우선적으로 올바른 스펠링을 쓸 수 있도록 타자 연습
또는 정확한 단어의 스펠링을 익히는 것이 중요하고 두 번째로 문법적 오류를 줄이기 위한 문장력 기르기 연습이 필요합니다.
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