▶ Your Answer : Though the intense argument is possible on the topic, I disagree with the statement that parents can no longer affect their children's behavior; rather, their behavior is more influenced by other sources such as TV, movies, and other factors outside home. Of course, it is generally acknowledged that these days, there are many factors to affect children's behavior. However, I strongly believe that parents still take a more crucial role in controlling their children's behavior than other factors. The two ideas stated below can be evidences to support my view.
Most importantly, with parents' advice advices, children can enhance their insight in right ways. While growing up, children usually are immersed by certain types of knowledge and information from many factors such as media. The problem of this is that the knowledge is conveyed with the source's viewpoint and they can easily become biased without having any chances to broaden their horizon. For example, in particular, the young children can easily become influenced by violent contents. At this point, even though children are easily affected by numerical sources, parents can still control their children's behavior with sincere advice. advices. Parents' adequate advice advices to teach them in right ways is are very important for them in order to gain well-balanced views and become cultured. 현재 내용은 미디어의 악영향이 큰 와중에 부모의 조언이 도움이 된다는 요지로 보이기 쉽습니다. '부모가 여전히 아이들의 행동에 영향을 크게 미친다'라는 나의 요지가 더 잘 드러나게끔 방향을 잡아주세요. According to a survey conducted by Harvard University, two thirds of the surveyed respondents answered that they were strongly helped by their parents' advice. advices. They also stated that if it had not been for the control of parents, they could have made a lot of mistakes in their future lives. Therefore, parents can still control their children's behavior with appropriate admonition.
In addition, parents' control of their children's behavior enables them to uncover potential benefits. Children nowadays are forced to lead highly scheduled lives as the world becomes more contentious and fast-paced than ever. Consequently, they are likely to miss chances to delve into issues, from which they can substantially benefit. This explains why it is important for children to be controlled by parents. 부모가 아이들의 행동을 통제하면 좋은 점(부모가 control하는 것의 중요성)에 해당할 뿐 '아이들에게 영향을 미치는지의 여부'에 대한 답변이 될 수는 없으므로 논점이 맞지 않습니다. Although many media have effects on children's behavior in recent days, people who affect their behavior the most are parents, since those who well know the characteristics of them are also parents. 밑줄 친 부분의 내용이 논제에 대한 답안으로 적절해 보입니다. 이 부분을 살려서 문단을 다시 구성해보셔도 좋을 것 같습니다. According to a renowned professor, it is evident that children can attain the goal of success in a much more effectual way if they are adequately advised by their parents. He also goes on to say that it is more time-consuming and difficult for them to have right recognition without parents' control.
Taking all of these reasons into consideration, we should disagree with the idea since parents still have an important role in controlling children's behavior. Even though there are possible factors to affect their behavior, people who the most can advise them in right ways and unbury their potentials are still their parents. Needless to say, there is no doubt in my opinion that parents can more control their children's behavior than other sources.
Writing 0–30 score scale Fair (17-23)
모델에세이 내용을 활용할 때에는 논점에 맞지 않는 부분들을 적당히 정리하고 필요한 부분들만 차용하는 연습이 필요합니다. 현재 문제가 묻는 것은 부모가 아이들에게 조언해주거나 control해주면 좋은 점이 아니라, 부모가 실질적으로 여러 미디어나 집밖의 요소들보다 아이들의 행동에 미치는 영향이 적은지에 대한 부분이므로 '여전히 영향력이 크다'라는 나의 입장을 뒷받침하기 위한 설명을 만들어주어야 합니다. 논점에 어긋나는 답안은 큰 감점요인이 될 수 있으니 유의해주세요. 수고 많으셨습니다. ^^ |