▶ Your Answer : Some people contend that sports stars do not deserve high salaries. However, In my opinion, sports stars do deserve high salaries for the following reasons. First, they are being paid for their effort. Second, it helps people to broaden their perspective. First of all , sports stars are being paid according to their efforts to become famous. Nowadays , people are living in a highly contentious life, and everyone tries to acquire an outcompetiting out-competing advantage over others. In this society with fierce competition, it is difficult to become famous or the best in one's field. To become a sports star, one must have focused on their work , to meet the requirements that they need to succeed for success. Thus, as effort must be equal to their salaries, I believe this is right in the capitalist society. For example, Kim Yuna is a very famous former South Korean figure skater. She is considered as a sports star, who gains a lot of interest of others. She is has now retired, however, she is involved in various fields such as coatching and TV television advertisements. She earns much money after her success in figure skating and I think this is reasonable. This is because I saw a documentary of her life, and she had gone through very hectic schedule to become a famous sports star. She had various problems but with effort and endurance, she overcame with it. Therefore, I believe sports stars deserve high salaries. Second, people can enhance their insights and outlooks because of these sports stars. While growing up, people are immersed by certain types of knowledge and information about this world through formalized education. The problem with this is that these information and knowledge only convey the source's viewpoint and they can easily become shortsighted without having any changes to broaden their perspectives. Therefore, in order to have deeper views of the world and become more cultured, sports players becoming famous and actively involving in other fields encourage others to broaden their perspectives. For example, a survey was conducted after the 2008 Olympic in China. More than 2000 participants joined to respond to this survey. The question was : Why do you enjoy watching the Olympic games? The majority of the participants responded that it was due to various techniques and skills that they never knew before. Many found it interesting to see a different sports stars winning that won. This led people to think of actually becoming a sports player, too. This proves how Olympic stars can influence people's perspectives, making them to think further in other fields such as sports. In conclusion, I have fully stated why I am in a complete accordance with the statement (무슨 statement인지 결론에서 다시 밝혀주세요.) with reasons stated above. (충실한 본론에 비해 결론이 부실해서 불균형해보입니다.) Writing 0-30 scale Fair(22-23) 자신의 주장을 지지하는 point를 적절히 선택하고 설명했습니다. 그렇지만 아쉬운 점도 있습니다. 우선, 오타가 너무 많습니다. 사소해 보이는 실수라도 반복, 누적되면 감점 요인이 될 수 있습니다. 조금 더 꼼꼼하게 글을 작성하고, 완성한 뒤에는 반드시 다시 읽어보는 시간을 가지세요. 또, 관사(a/an, the)를 어떤 경우에 어떤 것을 붙이고 어떤 경우에 붙이지 않는지를 확인해보세요. 균형 잡힌 글쓰기를 위해서는 간단하게나마 결론을 잘 맺어주는 것이 좋습니다. 주장을 짧게 요약하고 각 point를 한 줄 정도로만 정리해도 충분합니다. * 템플릿을 배웠다고 억지로 하고 싶은 말을 템플릿에 끼워넣지는 마세요. 자기 글을 쓰되 필요한 부분에 대해서 템플릿을 활용하면 되는 것입니다.
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