▶ Your Answer :
Whether it is beneficial that watching movies at a theater is better
than at home is a prevalent topic undergoing serious debate. Two opinions
exist. After pondering the opinions from several aspects, personally, I disagree
with the idea that it has more benefits beneficial to watch movies at a theater for two
essential reasons: It cannot focus movies and it can miss a movie scene. <(what is it? 물건이 영화에 집중을 못한다는 것이 많이 어색합니다. 오히려 people 라고 해주시면 더 좋습니다) (표현에 신경얼 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 형태를 잘못 쓰시고 계십니다)
Some may oppose to the opinion, but it <(what is it?) is ensures that if I watching
movies at a theater, there might be have so many people disturbing me. While
many consider that watching movies at a theater can help focus on the movie because
of its effects of sound effects or big screen.<(sentence fragment 다은 문장과 연결해서 와야하는 절 입니다) We cannot deny the fact that there are a variety people in a theater like those chewing eating so loudly or turning on their cell phones and turn on their cell
phone. These is obviously disturbs concentration on the movie things that cannot focus on movies. For
example, when I saw a movies at a theater last week, I had high expectations was very expected because
it was a is so popular movie. However, as soon as the movie began beginning movie, there were people who turned on their cell phones was people
who turn on cell phone. There were even people talking to one another. Even other people talked to each other. So, I could cannot
focus on the movie. <(이 문단도 표현에 많이 틀리시고 계십니다. 또한 어순에 틀리시고 계십니다. 시제는 꼭 통일 해주셔야합니다)
On top of that, to strengthen my viewpoints, if I saw a movie at a theater,
I might be missing a movie scene. It may not be favored by the majority of our
society, but I believe that there will be times when one needs to use the restroom or arrive late. it might be happening occurred that go to toilet during
watching movie and late for movie time. For instance, when my mother saw a movie
at a theater, she really wanted to go to the toilet. So, she went to toilet. As a
result, she missed a lot of movie scenes. Thus, she did not understood the entire whole movie
story.
To conclude, I strongly argue that my
standpoints of the two reasons are sufficiently convincing. There are many factors that disturb concentrating on the movie at the theaters The first is help
focus on movie and do not miss movie. In this regard, I believe that we should
watching movies at home.
Score: Limited (8~11) Comment: 주로 글 안에 있는 수정을 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 내용은 좋은데 문법/표현에 너무 많이 틀리시고 계십니다. 이해가 잘 안되거나 register가 낮은 문구들도 일부 있습니다. 수고 하셨습니다.
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