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Some people thinks that school
uniform do not have to be mandatory for high school students. However, in
my opinion, school must make their students wear their
uniforms. This is because they do not get stress from selecting and buying
many clothes and their class atmosphere will go bad if other clothes are
accepted.
To begin with, high school students do not have to choose
and purchase extra clothes, so they do not gain stress. To explain, high
school students nowadays have pressure not only physically but also mentally because of
entering university. Therefore, not getting stress has a meaning in itself
since it helps one maintain energy and not lost their strength to go on (포인트를 잘 연결하지
않았습니다. 이유를 잘 표현하기 위해 고등학생들은 사춘기를 경험하기 때문에 외모 신경을 많이 쓰다고
표현하세요. 그래서 교복을 안 안 입으면 옷에 대한 스트레스를 많이 받는다고 주장하세요). For
example, when my sister got into high school, she must prepare the school
uniforms and wear them every day except weekends because of school
policy. At first, she did not like the policy due to the fact that she
cannot show her new clothes. But one year later, she prefers the
policy because she does not have to spend her money on brand-new
clothes.
On top of that, if school permit students wear their own
clothes, they set their interest only on their clothes and the class mood will
worsen. To explain, they will focus on what clothes they wear day after
day, not studying. Plus, they will evaluate others' fashions, like who is
the most fashionable, and who is out-dated. Therefore, this makes class'
mood bad. For instance, a study was conducted by the Department of
Education of Korea is a good example of this. The researchers tracked the
grades of two hundreds of high school students whose schools permitted the
liberalization of the dress code. What they found was intriguing. The
students who must wear their uniforms got overwhelmingly high scores than those
who do not have to wear their uniform. The main reason was that different
clothes made the latter students pay attention merely to their clothes and
fashion.
To sum up, school uniforms make students think about what
clothes they buy, and clothes distracts students so their atmosphere will be
not good if dress code is free. For these reasons, there seems to be no
reason for high schools to allow students liberal dress code in their high
school.
Writing 0-30 Score Scale
Fair (17-23)
Overall Comment: 주제를 잘 파악했고 글이 주제에 벗어나지 않았습니다. 예시는 이유와 연결성이 있어야 합니다. 본론의 첫 번째 문단에 포인트를 잘 연결하지 않았습니다. 이유를 잘 표현하기 위해 고등학생들은 사춘기를 경험하기 때문에
외모 신경을 많이 쓰다고 표현하세요. 그래서 교복을 안 안 입으면 옷,외모
에 대한 스트레스를 많이 받는다고 주장하세요. (High school students generally
concern themselves with their outward look and without uniforms they would get
stressed heavily to decide on what to wear everyday.) 이렇게 포인트를 전달하면 이유와 더
잘 연결할 수 있습니다.