▶ Your Answer :
It is often said that game is bad for adults. However, my
opinion is that playing games can be a are good hobby for adults same as for children. One reason is that it is not
costly activity, and another reason is that it is good for health.
First of all, people do not need a lot of money to enjoying play
games such as computer games, sports games. On the other hand, there are
a lot of hobbies that costs much money for adults. 같은 내용의 근거에 대한 예시일 경우 문단구분없이 붙여서 써주세요For example, some friends around me enjoy gathering luxury
watches. They study, look through and compare among myriad watch brands. Of
course, it is very expensive. However, one of my friends, John loves the
video games. He does not spend much money on his hobby. Therefore, if children can spend money as much as
adults do, some children will buy or indulge happiness from upper and
expensive hobbies not play games. <-아이들에게 게임이 중요한 만큼 어른에게도 중요하다-는 주제에서 왜 이 내용이 필요한가요? 또한 다른 활동보다 값싼 hobby이기 때문에 어른에게도 게임이
중요하다-는 것 자체만으로는 근거로서 설득력이 떨어지므로 추가적인 설명이 필요해보입니다.
Secondly, games are healthy hobbies for adults too, because it is not
dangerous, and they can relieve stress. To be specific, when adults play games with
their children, it can help to construct good mental health for kids.
And this is not only good for children, but it is also good to feel
refreshed for parents. For instance, I had played video games with my children
after I finish my job came back home from
workplace. Children can learn what the
rules are from playing game and feel connection between parents and kids.
It is also great recreation for me to forget stressful days in my job.
According to the study conducted by Korea University, 85% of people who are
killed by themselves does did not have any hobby in Korea. And 74% of people who think their life is happy plays
games more than once a week. This result implies that playing games are is an important way to live without having
too much stress.
To sum up, games are important for children to learn social
rules and construct their mind. In addition, it is also good for adults to
keep their mentality healthy and save money.
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited (10-15)
전체적으로 어색한 표현들이나 기본적인 사소한 문법 실수들이 있는데 이에 주의해주세요. 내용적으로는 off-topic으로 보이는 부분들이 있는데, 일단 주제는 adult가 children과
함깨 play game한다는 것은 전혀 포함하지 않으므로 이러한 부분들은 삭제하는 것이 좋겠고, 핵심은 게임이 어른들에게도 중요하다-는 것이므로 이에 집중하여 에세이를
작성해주세요. 또한 첫 번째 근거가 adult에게도 게임이
중요하다-는 것을 설득력있게 뒷받침하지 못하고 있는데, 더
명확하게 주제와 연결해서 설명해주는 편이 좋겠습니다. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ |