Some people argue that moving to a new city or country will
always bring costs in terms of expenses for moving, losing friends, and time
consumed to accommodate to the new environment. Most people are concerned about
losing contacts with their neighbors and friends that they have known for ages.
However, I think that there are no problems engaged with losing contacts with
old friends when moving to a new city or country.
To begin with, thanks to the development of technology, we have
various methods to keep in touch with old friends. There are always different
ways of contacting them for example through text messages, phone calls,
social network services and these means or communication system enables us to directly talk or be aware
of our old friends at any time. For example, even though I left my home
country for several years, I still send text message or often use
skype to contact my old friends. This does not make me feel as if I am isolated or away from my
friends but always be updated with new informations of my friends. -> 여기서 끝나지 않고, 예시를 제시한 뒤 본인의 핵심 근거와 연결시켜 다시 마무리
해주는 문장이 있는 편이 더 좋겠습니다.
Next, there is always a possibility of meeting our old
friends in our life. People may meet their friends by visiting the old place
during their vacation and actually meet their old friends. They may also plan to travel
to other countries together. ->두 번째 근거가 상당히 짧고 위의 내용과 유사해 보일 수 있으므로, 과거 친구들과
지속적으로 연락할 수 있을 뿐만 아니라, 새 도시, 새 나라에서
새로운 친구들을 사귀어 더 넓은 인간관계를 형성할 수 있다-는 식으로 moving의 장점을 근거를 제시해도 좋겠습니다
In conclusion, despite the
fact that moving to other places separates one individual and its friend
distantly, there are always ways to greet them again by travelling or by
contacting them using the Internet or phone call. In this regard, I strongly contend
that whether living abroad or living contiguously will not make a significant
difference.
Writing 0–30 score scale
Fair (19-22)
275자로 조금 짧은 편인데, 독립형 에세이는 되도록 300자 이상은 쓰시는 편이 좋습니다. 또한 에세이 전반적으로 사소한 오타들이 있는데 감점의 요소가 되므로 시간을 내어 고쳐서 실수하지 않도록 해주세요. 이 외에 문법적인 실수도 잘 없고 표현력도 좋으신 것으로 보이는데, 두
번째 근거가 상당히 짧은 것이 아쉽습니다. 내용은 위에서 언급한 것처럼 보완하는 것이 좋겠습니다. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ |