In this highly developed age, various technologies are now moved deep inside our lives.
move inside는 안으로 이사해서 들어오다니까 수동태도 맞지 않고 단어가 적절하지 않네요.
various technologies highly influence our lives.
Everyday,
띄어써야 됩니다. Every day,
new technologies are shown to people and we all take advantages of those. Meanwhile, some people say that modern technologies is doing a key role in gathering the world to a single society. However, others say that technologies do not exactly have any connections with creating a single world culture.
이 부분은 좀 뜬금없네요. 앞에 기술의 영향 열심히 이야기했으면 그냥 바로 아래와 같이 나는 싱글월드가 만들어지고 있다고 본다. 이렇게 적어주는 게 훨씬 낫죠.
In this situation, I myself have a strong opinion that the new technologies are definately making various cultures to come in a single one.
To begin with, there are various communicational devices that help people to share cultures. To create a single culture, the first thing to do is to experience other various cultures and therefore creating a common culture.
이 부분은 논점오류예요. 싱글 월드를 만들기 위해 어떻게 해야 하냐를 묻고 있는 게 아니잖아요.
The newly developed communicational devices, let say the internet can be the exact example.
앞부분을 명사로 그냥 두면 문장이 어정쩡해지니까 We can take the internat as an example to discuss the newly developed communication devices. 정도로 적어줘야 자연스럽겠죠.
When I wake up in the morning, the first thing that I do is reading internet news. While reading it, it is not so hard to find out what happened last night in the Europe or Africa. I can see the latest news that reporting other countries' famous holidays ongoing and sports that they are into now. Moreover I can see live concerts which are held in the opposite side of the earth lively through the internet. With just several clicks, I can share a lot of cultures of other nations, and feel becoming the part of those cultures.
Thanks to the power of the computer, internet,
이 부분은 그냥 the internet. computer 이야기를 앞에서 한 게 아니니까요.
people can experience various cultures and feel passion to the same common culuture.
Moreover, there are newly developed trasportation technologies
단어 틀리지 마세요.
that allow people to exerience other cultures with their hands. Nowadays, within one day, people can go everywhere in this world. How?
불필요한 자문자답은 감점대상이라고 합디다. (확실치 않은데 들은 이야기). 앞뒷문장은 당연히 by car, ship and/or airplane 이렇게 축약가능하니까 이렇게 질질 끌면서 쓸 필요가 없죠.
Using the car, the ships and the airplane, it is available always.
it이 뭐죠? 느낌상으로는 to go anywhere in the world within 24 hours인것 같은데... 이러면 possible이 적절한 형용사고요. available한 교통수단을 말하고자 하는 거면 they로 받아야죠.
There is a man living in Canada, who watched a documentary of the pyramids in Egypt this morning.
예시인 경우 provided that, given that, supposed that 과 같이 접속사를 분명하게 써주는 게 좋겠습니다.
Since he fell himself into it, he just could not stop it right there.
삭제해도 됩니다. 아니, 삭제해야 되는 문장입니다. 이런 게 뭐가 필요있어요. 어차피 예시로 드는 건데.
He went front to the computer
?? 프론트를 왜 쓴건지? in front of?
and makes a reservation of the airplane departing for Egypt this weekend. After just several sleeps, he will be standing in front of the Pyramid, showing honors to the ancient egyptians' architectural cultures in his mind. This is not a story of people of specific levels anymore. Because of the highly developed airplane engineering technology, people can experience this remarkable story with just a little effort.
피라미드 예는 좋은데 너무 지지부진하네요. Given that a man wants to visit Egypt to see pyramids, he could do that within several hours with just a couple of clicks on the internet. 이정도로 짤막하게 써주는 게 훨씬 나을 듯.
Needless to say, the modern technologies allow people to create a single world culture. The culture can be newly created or a culture of a country can be chosen to be a common one. However the point is that to make a 'global culture', people must first experience myriad cultures of other regions. In this matter, the representative modern technologies including the internet based on computer and new transportation like airplane are really the significant means helping people to meet new cultures. There is an old saying 'Seeing is believing'.
주제와는 별로 관련없는 인용.
Through these thanksful technologies we can experience new cultures with our eyes and hands more directly and immediately. |