In this competitive community, there are many highly-educated people who apply to companies. Thus they have to should compete with each other to enter the companies. Even though many people try to find secure jobs because of this fact. I disagree this choice. 이어서 써야되요:) Even though, many people simply get secure jobs to avoid this competition, I am not in favor with them. This is because people may feel weary of their works when they work in a field that they are not interested in. Also, when they wait for jobs with endurance, they may have chances to find the most proper jobs for them.
*유추할 순 있지만 토픽 센텐스가 명확히 안나와 있어요.
First, people don't need to work in not secure parts but in fields that they are interested in. When people work in fields which provide them with fixed fund and comfortable environments even though they are not interested in them, they are unlikely to be satisfied (많이 틀리는 것 중 하나에요~ 수동태로 써주셔야해요:)satisfy with them because they may become weary of their works. Thus, people should work in fields that they like although they are required to spend time to look for them. The best example of this is my old sister. After graduating from college, she entered in a major company which offers a high salary. highly amount of money. However, after she entered the company, whenever she went to home, she seemed tired and did not talk much and went straight to bed. She said that her tasks were stressful and she could not feel happy in the company. companies. Eventually, she stopped working in the company and became a writer which was her original dream. Fortunately, she started to smile again and seemed happy. writer가 되었다.라고 하는 것보다 writer가 되기 위해 공부하고 있다. 고 해야지 기다려서 만족스러운 직업을 갖는 거에 찬성하는게 되니까 그렇게 고쳐주세요 :)
Second, people should invest their time to look for the most proper jobs for them with endurance. When people stop working for a long time or have a hard time looking to look for jobs, they may feel stressed out and frustrated. Therefore, most of them tend to abandon accomplishing their dream jobs. However, they should remember that dreams always come true. When they are dedicated to improving themselves, I believe that they can find their dream jobs. To take my personal experience, after graduating from college, I was stressed out due to recruitment. My parent forced me to swiftly enter companies that I was not satisfied did not satisfy with because my family was they were suffering from economic depression. However, despite of their enforcements, I did not abandon working in bank which was what I wanted. that I have wanted to work Thus, I made effort to build my carrier related to them and applied for a many number of banks. As a result, I could enter one of the famous banks. I believe the reason that I could enter them was that I waited is to wait for them with confidence./trust.trust about me.
**바디 시작할때 이유가 무엇인지 명확하게 써주세요 첫문장에.
전체적으로 내용도 괜찮고 문법도 괜찮은 편인데요. topic sentence가 명확히 나와있지 않은게 아쉬워요. |