Modern society is changing to mechanical. (뭔가 어색합니다. to 뒤엔 명사!) For these reasons(단수, 복수 신경쓰세요~), many students want to study in home, such as by using such as computer, television, etc. and so on. These methods are very popular and romance(단어선택 부적절) for students, which ways are handier than going to school. (완전한 문장이 오면 안됩니다.)However, if they are to study in home, they often out their scheme(동사가 없어요!), such as playing game, and watching television. Moreover, Internet based home schooling system the studying system based on the Internet and , which ways are necessary to spend money, however but 으로 연결해줘야 합니다. most pool people can't launch the Internet system. This is very luxury and way of wasting money way for them. If they want to study, they should be taken take money by the government, which is very hard to government (동사로 쓰셔야죠~)monetary. On top of that, home schooling service so hard for young students. If they intersect computer first, they will be afraid of listening to the lecture. So, I mighty give these three reasons to support my opinion.
지금 너무 길게 쓰셨습니다. 한 문단 당 길이도 부적절하구요. 문법 정도만 손을 댄거지만 논리도 부족한 것 같습니다. ^^;; 그리고, 무엇보다 문법 실수가 너무 많습니다. 기초적인 문법을 다시 정리하시고 문장을 많이 암기하시고 쓰는 구성에 대해서도 생각해보시는 게 좋을 것 같습니다. |