Some people think that wearing school uniforms have more advantages than not wearing school uniform, whereas, others think that wearing school uniforms give students more disadvantages than not wearing school uniform. In my opinion, I think that allowing students to wear school uniforms in high school is better for students because it can save their money and feel a sense of unity.
1) wearing school uniforms라는 동명사가 주어이므로, 동사는 단수(has)가 맞습니다.
2) 앞에서는 school uniforms라고 하시고 뒤에서는 school uniform이라고 하시네요. 통일시켜주세요.
3) whereas 뒤의 콤마(,)는 불필요합니다.
4) give -> gives
5) I think that -> I believe that
6) feel a sense of unity의 주어는 it입니다. 말이 안됩니다. 그것(교복 입는 것)이 통일성을 느끼지는 않습니다. 통일성을 느끼는 것은 학생이죠. 치명적이네요!!!
7) 서론이 안좋습니다. 같은 말을 반복해서 분량만 채워넣으셨네요. 다시 한 번 읽어보세요.
어떤 사람들은 X가 Y보다 장점이 많다고 생각한다. 다른 사람들은 X가 Y보다 단점이 많다고 생각한다.
위 두 문장은 아예 똑같은 문장입니다.
First of all, by wearing school uniform in high school, students can save some money. Students pay for school uniforms just for once when they just attended a school for the first time. However, if they attend a high school that has no regulation of school uniforms, students, teenagers who always concentrate on their appearance, would spend their money on buying some cloths to go to school every day. For example, one of my friends who went to school that allowed students to wear anything they want worried about what cloth she wore everyday and she spent most of money on buying her cloths. On the other hand, I who wore a school uniforms in high school should not have to spend most of my money on buying some cloths so that I could save some money.
1) they just attended 에서, just가 왜 들어간거죠? 알 수가 없군요. 불필요합니다.
2) who always concentrate on their appearance 가 제대로 된 표현인지 의구심이 드네요. '외모에 신경쓴다'라는 뜻을 표현하고자 하신 것 같은데, concentrate는 좀 아닌 것 같습니다.
3) 학교에 매일 가기 위해 옷을 산다고요? 말이 안되는군요. 학교에 입고가기 위해 옷을 사는거겠죠.
4) she wore -> she had to wear
5) should not have to spend 는 "소비하지 않아야 한다"라는 의미입니다. didn't have to spend 라고 하셔야죠.
6) so that -> and so
7) 본론1의 소재가 다분히 진부하긴 하지만 별 이상한 점은 안보입니다.
Second of all, school uniforms make students feel a sense of unity. When people wear some uniforms, they can feel a sense of unity and do best for their unity. Thus, students who wear school uniforms can get together easily and they do their job well such as studying or rooting for their school. For example, when I was in high school, I had to wear a school uniform. Once, our school basketball team’s final game was opened, and all students in school uniforms went to root for our team. We could feel a sense of unity so that we could root for our team much harder than the other school. Thus, our team won and our school earned “rooting award” due to our impressive rooting.
1) 치명적인 실수입니다. 비교 대상이 '우리 학교 학생들'과 '다른 학교 학생들'이 되어야 하는데, 지금 쓰신 내용은 '우리 학교 학생들'과 '다른 학교'를 비교하고 계십니다. 이러시면 절대 안됩니다.
For all these things, I strongly support that wearing school uniforms in high school is better for students because students can save some money and feel a sense of unity when they wear school uniforms.