▶ Your Answer :
Undoubtedly, having time with people they care about
plays a significant role in people’s daily lives in many of the places where
people work or play. Some people think that It is better to let them know the
importance of you by keeping a distance from people you care about than trying
to be with them by spending more time together to improve relationships. Both
sides may have their own reasons to support their ideas. If I were asked to
choose one, I would say that having time with people who care about is help
them improve their relationships. There are several reasons as follows. --> 주제문장 내용 그대로 사용하지 마시고 paraphrase해 주세요.
To begin with, if a person keep a distance from others they care about, they would forget about your presence because people spend most of their time developing their own expertise. In order
to improve the relationship, a person should try to be with them. As modern
society is becoming rapidly competitive and professional, today’s job market
requires job candidates with professionalism. They are likely to have no time
to think important for them. (이 문장이 작성된 이유/연결고리가 분명하지 않습니다.) For example, my sister was in high school, and she
lived in a dorm. She often felt depressed thinking that her life became an exhausting routine. To survive in a competitive world, she spent the whole day
studying academic subjects, hoping that she could outdo others. Although she
was studying hard, it was not easy because everyone was studying hard like her. In
addition, she could not feel that she was (과거 event: 시제 주의해주세요) an important person because she lived in a
dorm, and my family was busy at their work. Fortunately, she was able to deal
with such pressure and stress in a way by living with our family again. She had quality time such as having a meal together, watching TV
together, and having daily conversations with family members. By doing this, she was able to let off some steam.
Without having these time, she could not handle this problem. --> 1) 실제로 친구들/지인들에게 자신의 존재를 각인시키기 위해 일부러 멀어졌다 2) 다시 함께 지내며 3) 관계를 회복하고 주목받게 되는 내용의 사례를 통해 주제에 대한 본인의 입장을 구체적으로 뒷받침할 수 있습니다. 본 예시에서는 1)~3)에 해당하는 논리를 찾기 어렵습니다.
+ 보통 TOEFL 에세이에서는 2 body paragraphs (각각 different reasons) 를 작성합니다.
All things considered, the advantages of being with
people who they care about far weigh those of keeping a distance from people
they care about for the reasons I have mentioned above. All in all, the
importance of being with people who they care about cannot be overestimated in
life.
Writing 0–30 score scale: Limited (1-16) / Fair (17-23) / Good (24–30)
ADDRESSING TOPIC
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ORGANIZATION
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PROGRESSION AND COHERENCE
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LANGUAGE USE
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GRAMMAR
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FAIR
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LIMITED
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LIMITED
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FAIR
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FAIR-LIMITED
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각 카테고리별 SCORE: LIMITED / FAIR / GOOD
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Template에 지나치게 의존하기 보단 자신의 스타일/구체적인 예시를 담은 내용을 작성해주세요.
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