▶ Your Answer :
Opinions might be divided over whether young people should have the ability
to plan and organize because of life complexity. People of diverse ages and from
different walks of life may take diverse positions on this controversial issue.
Personally, I agree that the ability to plan and organize is quite important
for young people because this ability is an essential factor to become a
successful member of society.
To begin with, the fact that life is too complex means that there are many
things that people have to do. If people make a plan for what they should do,
they can focus on important things and handle their tasks easily. Arranging
tasks in order of priority is an important ability to become a talented person
in a cut-throat competition world. Opponents of my perspective claim that young
people do not doesn’t need that ability because they can have it while growing up.
Advocates’ claims may sound reasonable on the surface. However, if we take
closer look at their contentions, the rationale for their assertion lacks logic
in many ways. Moreover, my personal example can debunk their claim. A friend of
mine, Minsu is a successful businessman. He always made a list of week-plans.
And, he carried out his tasks in order of priority. Later, he said, thanks to
this habit he could be a successful businessman. In his field, time management skill is
the main factor of success, and his habit helps him manage his time properly.
In addition, beyond my personal example, there are many articles which can
support my argument. They expressed doubts that are similar to my point of
view. A few weeks ago, I had a chance to read an article from the Dong-A Daily
news that is related to the topic. It described the results of the survey
conducted by the Samsung Economic Research Institute social science researchers
with more than five hundred CEOs working at large companies in Seoul. According
to the article, of the 500 CEOs surveyed more than 80 percent of them answered
that they have built good habits to become successful businessmen since their
childhood. And, they finally came to know that one of the most important habits
is making plans, because many fields and positions require this ability. They
went on to say that when they should hire workers, they will check first if they
can handle their tasks with plan.
As I mentioned above, based on the examples, I can conclude that young
people are in need of the ability to plan and organize, because life is too
complex nowadays.
Fair (17-23) 서론 -명사 앞에 관사
첫번째 본문 -반대 의견에 대해 이렇게 길게 쓰실 필요도 없고, 정작 반대 의견은 어떻게 주장하는지에 대해서는 쓰시지 않아서 모호하기만 합니다. -축약형 지양해주세요, 그리고 문맥상 복수이므로 doesn't-->do not -동급 설명 전에는 , 써주세요.
두번째 본문 -went on to~ 구문입니다. -이유가 첫번째 본문과 같고 예시만 추가해서 쓰셨습니다. 이유/설명/예시 전부다 상이한 것으로 본인의 주장 뒷받침하셔야 설득력 높은 글이 됩니다. 내용적으로 보충/개선 많이 해주세요. 특히나 두번째 본문 주장+첫본문과 다른 이유+부연설명+예시+부연설명 식으로 해주시면 좋습니다.
수고하셨습니다~~
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