▶ Your Answer :
Some
people think that parents should put pressure on
their children to help them succeed in life.
(to follow harsh regulations when helping their children make success later in
life.) However, in my opinion, children should have
a certain degree of freedom. It is because such a rigid environment can cause
discord between a child and his or her parents. (be raised in loose
environment without complicated laws to obey because too many rules
discourage children to cultivate self-discipline by themselves and may cause
severe disagreement between parents and children.)
To begin with, (compact) strict rules cannot give children any
opportunities to practice self-discipline. (by themselves.) To be specific, a sense is self –control (the ability for children
to regulate themselves) is not naturally developed. Instead, it requires
children to make decisions (decide their
matters) fix problems on their own. (and try
to fix something wrong voluntarily.) For example, fortunately
I grew up in an environment where my parents respected my privacy and
encouraged me to deal with my problems. (when I was young, I was
fortunately grown in a very loose surroundings where my parents often allowed
me to deal with my matter for myself.) Whenever I was
in (had) trouble, (like not doing
well in exams or breaking up with a girlfriend,) I contemplated for a long period of time to figure
out (about) why I was trapped in this kind of situation,
which allowed me to broaden my perspective. (hardships, which was a
valuable experience to retrospect my life and find my problems.) As a result, (numerous
training to direct my life,) I became
independent and developed confidence to face (settle) any problems in life. (coming sometime in the future.) If my parents forced
me to follow their rules and let them handle my
problems, (only coerced me to abide by a number of regulations,) I would
be such a dependent person. (likely to find
something to depend on whenever problems happen. )
On top of that, hard rules can
bring about severe disagreements between parents and their children. The
stricter rules become, the more uncomfortable their children feel. This is
because when there are many hurdles to irritate everyday life, people tend to have bad feelings towards
someone who makes them unhappy.
Therefore, it is most likely that children
have a bad relationship with their parents
who usually give them a hard time. (through lots of laws.) For example, my aunt
used to force my cousin to follow rules at home (meet many standards) such
as cleaning the room once a day or having to
study at least for 3 hours a day. Of course, he was really stressed out and
complained about his mom’s
rules.
(lots of burden imposed on him.) However,
his mother continued to stick to her rules and his
son seemed to obey but he was building anger inside him. (hard criteria
so that he seemingly met her requirements but had been having bad opinion about
his mom for long period of time.) Now he seldom keeps contact with her mother
due to the accumulated feeling about her.
To sum up, such a strict (uncomfortable) environment (with
many things to follow) makes children less independent
(autonomous) and can worsen the relationship
between children and parents. (by generating a lot of arguments.) In this
regard, I believe that it is necessary for children
to have some freedom in order to be more dependent and responsible. (loose
surroundings are necessary for children to grow up to be a good adult rather
than strict rules.)
Writing
Score (0-30): 20-21
Score
(0-5): 3.25-3.50
Grammar
& Feedback; 문법적 오류와 어색한 표현이 많았습니다. 문장이 너무 길어짐으로 해서 의미 전달에 방해가 됩니다. 수고하셨습니다.
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