▶ Your Answer : Some people think that the ability to cooperate with other people is more important these days than it was before. However, in my opinion, people do not need this ability as much as they did in the past because the new industries transform the way people work in general and the introduction of the internet helps to facilitate working alone.
To begin with, modern industries necessitate the division of labor,not cooperation from different sectors. To be specific, while traditional industry such as agriculture requires people to work with each other, today's industries like the automobile and ship prefer people giving each duties duty to each workers . This is because the method of distributing distinct works to individuals is more efficient in terms of productivity in today's complex production system. A person cannot master the whole process so it's better for each person to be in charge of different stage individually. For example, in the automobile factory, the workers have their own jobs that are separate for each of the workers. with each other. One person is responsible for assembling a tire while another person specializes in handling car parts. They do not need to work together with the same kind of work. They just have to concentrate on completing their individual tasks.
On top of that, the internet makes it easier for people to work on their own. To be specific, people can find necessary information easily with the internet. This means that people can fulfill their duties without asking other people for information. Also the internet creates opportunities for people to do tasks at home. Since people can communicate through the internet, it's not absolutely essential for people to commute to a company and meet coworkers face-to-face. For example, writers can produce works at home alone. They can use the internet as a source of information, making it unnecessary to work with other people for information. Also the writers can trade opinions with publishers by the email, which means the direct contact between people is not requested. For writers, being able to express their thoughts creatively is far more significant than being able to cooperate with others. 작가에게 중요한 자질을 설명하는 것처럼 마무리되면 논점이 흐려질 수 있어요. 작가에게만 한정된 사실이 아니라 많은 사람들이 이렇게 과거에 비해 직접 만나서 협동할 필요가 없어졌다는 내용을 강조하면서 마무리해주는 편이 더 적절해 보입니다.
To sum up, modern people have less incentive to collaborate with others at work because of the nature of the industries today and the internet helps people to work without the help of others. In this regard, I believe that cooperation ability is less important than it was before.
Comment : 질문 내용에 맞게 주장을 잘 만들어주셨어요. 과거와 다르게 변화한 부분을 중심으로 논리를 잘 구성하신 것 같습니다. 표현이 애매할 수 있는 부분(본론1 단어사용)이나 너무 지엽적인 내용을 다루어서 주제와 동떨어진 느낌을 줄 수 있는 부분(본론2) 위주로 검토하시면 좋을 것 같아요. 수고 많으셨습니다~! Independent Writing Rubrics Score 4.5/5 An essay at this level largely accomplishes all of the following : - Effectively addresses the topic and task (주어진 주제에 대해 정확하게 이해하고 답변을 제시함) - Is well organized and well developed, using clearly appropriate explanations, exemplifications and/or details (적절한 설명과 예시를 사용하여 글을 전개・구성함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence (통일성, 연속성, 일관성을 보임) - Displays facility in the use of language, demonstrating syntactic variety and range of vocabulary, though it will probably have occasional noticeable minor errors in structure, word form or use of idiomatic language that do not interfere with meaning (글의 의미를 손상시키지 않는 범위 내에서 사소한 문장구조, 단어 형태 오류를 보일 수 있으나, 전반적으로 어휘・통사적 다양성을 갖춘 유창한 언어 사용을 보임)
|