▶ Your Answer :
Some people might think that classes of art and music should not be a mandatory subject. However, I personally agree with this the proposition that students should learn about art and music due to a couple of reasons. First, they can be stable by learning art and music. and tThe other reason is that this class makes children to be relaxed.
To begin with, the study of entertainment is not merely education. study of entertainment라는 표현은 적절하지 않아 보여요. It is so meaningful over learning knowledge. To be specific, these courses of art and music are not only able to broaden their perspective by developing students’ emotional aspect, but also useful to get high scores in other subjects by supporting them to have comprehensive ability. An experiment conducted by Educational Ministry of Education of Korea in 2011 can prove my point. The purpose of this was to determine whether to apply art and music classes as a mandatory subject constantly or not by observing two groups. First group consisted of those who took art and music classes and the other group was formed of people who did not. After seeing them for a year, the researchers concluded that the former got higher graded in overall subjects, while the latter low grades among subjects they took. And one investigator answered that art and music increased students' their ability to comprehend all classes. In this sense, I think these have a positive impact on students.
On top of that, students can be given a time for resting through art and music classes this class because it is not a memorizing study such as history. Art can give kids time to experience drawing and music, which makes also make them to be relaxed relaxd by admiring some symphony such as Bach’s. I will give you my personal experience as an example. When I was a high school student, I had to take music class. Although it was not my choice, I could get a chance to learn about playing the flute for by free. As you know learning to play some instruments require costs a lot. And I could have a glory to play in a graduation performance. 흐름상 불필요합니다. 논점을 흐릴 수 있는 내용이니 이 내용은 빼는 게 나을 것 같아요. 대신에 실제 악기를 배운 것이 나의 스트레스를 푸는 데 효과적이었다는 점을 더 설명해주세요. At that time, I could be relaxed from academic stress. In this regard, theses classes should be compulsory.
To sum up, all things considered taking to make students develop comprehensive skills student’ emotion stable and giving a time to relax enjoy, I strongly believe that art and music should be mandatory.
Comment : 학생들의 이해능력 증진과 심리적 안정 측면에서 필수로 해야 한다는 주장이 아주 좋습니다. 다만 문단 내용을 풀어내는 과정에서 논점이 맞지 않는 부분이나 문단의 요지 외의 내용들이 들어간 부분들은 정리가 필요해 보입니다. 수량표현과 전치사 사용 등에서 문법오류가 많은 편이니 꼼꼼하게 검토해주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 3/5 An essay at this level is marked by one or more of the following : - Addresses the topic and task using somewhat developed explanations, exemplifications and/or details (일정 수준의 설명과 예시를 활용하여 문제의 요구사항을 해결함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though connection of ideas may be occasionally obscured (문맥이 모호한 부분들이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 어느 정도 드러남) - May demonstrate inconsistent facility in sentence formation and word choice that may result in lack of clarity and occasionally obscure meaning (문장의 구성 또는 어휘의 선택에서 내용의 명확성이 떨어지거나 의미 전달이 불분명한 부분들이 있음) - May display accurate but limited range of syntactic structures and vocabulary (답안의 내용은 주제에 부합하지만 제한된 문장구조나 어휘를 사용함)
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