▶ Your Answer :
Students' intellectual , personal, social development is highly influenced
by the knowledge that they attain. With this understanding, I believe that It is important for the government to invest more money
in college students than in children's education. This is because investment in
college students enables students to broaden perspectives and enjoy a better
quality of life.
First, investment in college students provides more chances for
them to broaden interpersonal skills compared to investing in
children's education. Understanding the importance of social skills in work
environments and the potential role of investment in college students is
necessary to substantiate this view. I engaged in a variety of school
activities during my school (what school? 정확히 명시하세요.) years. In addition to my school activities, I was
interested in philosophy. This was extremely useful in helping me to build
interpersonal skills for later years in society compared to skills that I
learned when I was in kindergarten. In one situation, my bosses were
pleased to listen to my opinion on current gender conflicts reported in the newspaper. In this regard, I learned that
investment in college students provides more
chances for them to broaden interpersonal skills compared to investing in
children’s education.
Second, investment in college students provides more opportunities for
students to enjoy a better quality of life compared to investing in
children's education. Interestingly , A renowned social scientist in South
Korea published an article in "The Korean Herald" last Tuesday which
claims that investing in college students enables students to
strengthen competitiveness in society. The article claims that 62
percent of 200 Korean recruiters prefer people who graduated from college
compared to people who did not. (주제는 대학에 투자를 하는 거지, 대학을 졸업하는 것과는 관련이
없습니다. 조사 주제를 차라리 더 많은 지원을 받는 대학생들을 더 선호한다는 결과를 나타내는 조사를
사용하시는 게 더 적절하다고 생각해요.) Recruiters show such a tendency because college students are more
analytical. In the long run, critical thinking enhances
the work performance. This is because they could recognize problems in work
process with different aspects. This not only results in job promotions but
also encourage them to ultimately enjoy a better quality of life. (대학생들은 분석을 잘한다고 하셨지만, 궁극적으로 주제와 맞지가 않습니다. 위에 지적을 해 드렸듯이 대학생들에게
투자를 왜 더 해야 하는지에 대해 서술하셔야 하는데, 그건 대학 투자와 관련이 없습니다.)
To sum up, I believe that It is important for the government
to invest more money in college students than in children's education for
the following reasons: to broaden perspectives and enjoy a better
quality of life. Consequently, the importance of my view cannot be
underestimated for the reasons I have mentioned above.
Writing
0-30 Score Scale |
Fair (17-23) |
Score |
23 |
Overall Comment: |
문법 오류가 많진 않지만, 위에
지적을 해 드린 것처럼 논리적으로 조금 아쉬웠습니다. 자세한 건 위 지적사항들을 참고하시길 바래요. |
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