▶ Your Answer : Parents nowadays often both work outside and their home is usually empty at daytime. At that time, they can not leave their children alone, so, older children or other adults take care their of children by paying or not. I believe younger children have to be cared by adults. There are several reasons why I think like this. First of all, I majored have a major in human ecology so I learned about development of children everyday. Children have flaw of teaching the kind of part no matter how they are older than young children. Children have limit on raising younger children breeding because they are not grown up even if they look like mature person. Also, it can proved by we have obligation about attending school and learning their own identities in there. Furthermore, children do not don’t have objective rules as adults have. They have possibilities for leading younger children to worse direction than adults. Besides, they have challenges to make their own profits in taking care process. Secondly, children do not don’t spend their whole time to take care of younger children because older children have to go to school and get ready for their future. However, housewife or other adults who are paid by younger childrens’ parents can takes time all day. In addition, changing caring person breeder is not good for younger childrens’ attitude and development. They can get nervous or confused about who they have to trust. For these reasons, it . It is wise that educating younger children is up to parents or other adults. It is the best way that older children be a friend of younger children and hang out with them until they feel enjoy.
Limited (1-16)
글자수 미니멈 300 미달입니다. 미니멈 글자 수 채우지 못하면 감점됩니다. 서론 -cannot 붙여씁니다. -take care of 구문
첫번째 본문 -have a major은 어색한 표현입니다. -파란 부분들 이해하기 어렵습니다. -돌보다의 뜻으로 breed는 잘쓰지 않습니다. breed는 주로 혈통, 낳다, 로 더 자주 쓰입니다. -축약형 지양해주세요. don't-->do not -전체적인 내용 파악이 어렵습니다.
두번째 본문 -축약형 지양 -병렬이므로 have와 병렬되도록 동사 get 넣어주세요. -수동태는 be p.p -밑줄친 부분, 본인의 글과 어떤 상관이 있는지 모르겠습니다. 어떻게 보면 반대되는 내용 같기도 합니다.
결론 -문장 부호 오류 for these reasons는 한 문장이 될 수 없습니다. -대소문자 오류 -파란 부분 언뜻 본인의 내용과 반대되는 내용 같습니다.
내용 이해가 어렵습니다. 또한, 본인의 주장을 뚜렷이 주장하고 있지 않습니다. 본문은 주장문+부연설명+예시+설명+(다시 주장 강조) 정도의 형태로 흘러가는 것이 깔끔합니다. 이 틀에 맞게, 본인 주장에 맞게, 토픽에 맞게 쓰는 연습 해주세요.
수고하셨습니다~~ |