■ Direction Read the question below. You have 30 minutes to plan, write, and revise your essay. Typically, an effective response will contain a minimum of 300 words. ■ Question Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Use specific reason and examples to support your answer |
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▶ Topic :
Attractive Appearance and fashion is more important than one’s ability to succeed. Ag/Dis |
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▶ Your Answer :
Some people might say that it is important to get attractive appearance and fashion when it comes to personal success in the world. However, in my opinion, one’s ability to succeed is definitely more important than any other things. This is because when large companies hire people, they do not really care about the appearance, looks ing and fashion of candidates.
To begin with, one of the standards of success among between the 20’s who graduated their university is working in the huge company since getting into the huge companies such as Google, Facebook, etc. is like a camel passing through the eye of a needle nowadays especially in South Korea. So following this suggestion, most of large companies only hire people with one’s ability such as their portfolio or skills. To explain, if you do not have a lot of money, you cannot spend your money for your appearance or shopping. But one’s ability or skill is dependent on the personal effort regardless of money. Also, one’s ability can be clouded by other’s abilities if you are obsessed with appearance. I will give you an example of my personal experience to elucidate my point. For example in Korea, job seekers should attach their formal pictures when they apply to the companies and I actually do not have a good appearance objectively. But I have accumulated my skills and madke compelling the portfolio in my field, computer science through my effort. As a result, a lot of companies conceded my tasks and I could be hired by a good company. Also whenever I am at the office, I always feel like the people who has good ability is regarded as ‘a person of intelligence’ rather than the people who care about their looking.
To sum up, most of people who can lead you to suceess are simply concentrate on your expertise. In this regard, I believe the most important factor is not about one’s appearance but one’s ability.
Fair (17) 서론 -그냥 one's ability는 모호합니다. one's ability to succeed라고 구체적으로 써주세요. -외모는 looks라는 표현이 더 자연스럽습니다.
첫번째 본문 -between은 주로 between A and B의 구문으로 쓰이며, 두가지의 대상을 말할때 쓰입니다. 두가지 이상의 대상이거나, 저 구문을 사용하지 않을 경우에는 among을 써주세요. -끝에서 세번째 줄에서, ability to succeed가 중요한 포인트이니, 좋은, 훌륭한 포트폴리오를 만들었다고 강조하는 것이 좋습니다. -본문 내용 괜찮습니다. 결론 -be동사를 쓰시려면 뒤에 concentrate 동사가 아니라 concentrating의 동명사로 써주세요. 아니시면 그냥 are 지워주세요.
이유 2개 써주시는 것이 좋습니다. 1개를 쓰는 것은 아주 위험한 시도입니다. 다양한, 논리적인 이유가 많을수록 글의 설득력이 높아지는 것은 당연한 논리입니다. 이유 3개까지도 좋지만 시간 문제상 권장하지 않습니다. 하지만 같은 퀄리티로 이유를 많이 쓰실 수 있다면 더 고득점에 유리하시지요. 또한, 1개를 쓰시면, 다른 이유 하나를 없애는 것을 보충하기 위해 훨씬 더 수려하고 완성도있는 글을 쓰셔야 고득점 하실 수 있습니다. 따라서, 모든 것 고려했을 때, 본문 2개 써주시는 것이 위험 부담을 줄일 수 있습니다.
수고하셨습니다~~ |
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항상 이유를 2개를 써왔었거든요. 근데 이유1개만 써도 된다는 피드백을 어디서 받아서...
이유 2개가 탄탄하지 않을때는 오히려 1개 를 자세히 쓰는게 좋다고 해서 그렇게 시도해봤는데...거기에 대한 의견도 주시면감사하겠습니다.