There might be some people who believe that mobile
phones are not related with their freedom. However, I personally disagree with
the above idea for two subsequent reasons. Mobile phones provide extra time and
afford of mental status.
To begin with, people could save their time through
using mobile phones. To be specific, they could convey their messages in 1 minute.
There is an old saying. "Time is gold". This proverb emphasizes the
importance of time and this cannot be more true in modern society. People are
living a busy and hectic life, so saving time means that we can do a lot more
things later. Many people say that life is not fair, but everyone has 24 hours
a day and 7 days a week. According to a recent research done by Korea university
professor Kim,. 80% of the respondents said that they found their way using GPS on their smart phones.
They could do more activities because of time that was saved through their
phone. This clearly shows that mobile phones allows afford freedom of time.
Moreover, people would be happier. What this means is
that the phones help people not to meet reluctant friends in person. People
nowadays are under a big stress, but a lot of them do not even know they are
stressed out. Stress is known to be a major factor that keeps people from being
healthy. Many people are suffering from insomnia because of this stress. Let me
bring up my personal story as an example. I did not have a cell phone when I
served in the army, so I always talked to my senior in person. I was very
stressed whenever I reported something. As a result, I had insomnia. If I had
my mobile phone, I would feel freer.
In conclusion, cCell phones offer not only afford freedom of time
life, but also peace of mind. In this regard, I strongly urge people to wake up
from the illusion that mobile phones do not have given more freedom.
Fair (17-19)
서론
-파란 부분 이해하기 어렵습니다.
첫번째 본문
-and 뒤에 주어 동사 나와야하는데 조동사 cannot만 있고 메인동사가 없습니다. 따라서 be 넣어주세요.
-끝에서 세번째 줄에서, 문장 부호 오류 .-->,
-같은 ㅁ누장에서, 그냥 GPS말고 핸드폰 GPS임을 강조하셔야 토픽과 더 연결이 됩니다.
-afford freedom of time은 원하시는 의미와 조금 다릅니다. allow가 조금 더 잘 어울리는 표현입니다.
두번째 본문
-연두색 부분 불필요합니다. 그런데, 이것을 이용해서 좀더 본인의 주장과 이으시려면 핸드폰이 어떻게 스트레스를 줄여주는 지에 대한 설명/이유가 나와야하는데 없습니다.
-예시가 모호합니다. senior 이랑 얘기하는데 스트레스 받았다, 얘기하기 싫었다를 좀더 강조해주세요. 또한, 핸드폰이 있었으면 왜 스트레스를 덜 받았을지, 어떤 영향을 어떻게 주었을지 구체적으로 설명해주세요. 지금으로는 다 추측해야하고, 내포된 의미를 끄집어내야 하기 때문에 좋지 않습니다.
내용면에서, 본인 이유에 대한 설명을 더 구체적이고 명확하게 하는 연습해주세요. 또한, 토픽과 연결하는 연습도 해주세요.