▶ Your Answer :
Opinions
might be divided over whether moving to a new city makes
it more likely that people experience negative effects
because it can lead to losing old friends. People of various ages and from
different walks of life may take diverse positions
to this controversial issue. Personally, I side with the perspective that it is
not a great choice to move due to their old
friends for the following two reasons: stress and importance of friends.
To begin with, people these days live in
a busy and hectic life, so they are under great stress, but they don't even
realize that they are stressed out. Stress is known to be a major factor that keeps
people from being healthy, and many people are suffering from various
problems due to it. This is more serious than we
think, so it could be a great problem if they didn't meet their old friends.
Opponents of my perspective claims that moving
is not crucial for them to meet old friends. (이사하는
게 친구들을 만날 때 필수적인 게 아니다, 라고 적으셨습니다)
Advocates' claim may sound reasonable enough on the surface. However, if we
take a closer look at their contentions, the rationale for their assertion
lacks logic in many ways. Moreover, my personal experience can definitely
debunk their assertion. When I was in high school, I went to moved to a new city, so I cannot could meet my old friends. At that time, my mind was
so upset that I could not concentrate on any things anything. The same applies to most people who
experience the same circumstance like me. (근거가 없는 일반화 처럼 보입니다. 근거를 더 적으셔서 설득력이 있게 적어주세요)
Besides, if people moved to a new
city, they would lose their old friends. Spending time with my friends is my
number one priority in any occasion. These days, we tend to overlook the
importance of friends because we usually spend too much time working or
studying. We need to take a break and look back on
why we are working or studying in the first place. Something else means nothing if we cannot share them with others. In addition to my personal anecdote, many
articles from different newspapers reaffirms my viewpoints. Apart from my personal
experience, a majority people support my points of view (계속 같은 말을 다른 표현들로 반복하는 게
보입니다). A few days ago, I read an op-ed
piece from the Korean Herald that is related to the topic. According to
the article, it described the result of a survey conducted by the Seoul National University
social science researchers with more than 500 people who moved to another place as
respondents. Of the 500 people surveyed, the over 80 percent of them answered that they are
suffering from various psychological problems.
They went on to say that they could not meet their old friends due to their
location. This clearly proves that it (what is?)
is greatly important to live for human being.
As I mentioned above, based on the
examples related to stress and importance of friends. I can conclude that it is
not a good option for people to go to a new city
without their friends.
Writing
0-30 Score Scale |
Fair (17-23) |
Score |
17 |
Overall
Comment: |
문장을 쓰실 때 comma를
과도하게 사용하시는 습관이 있습니다. 문장 구조 연습을 더 하시는 게 좋을 것 같습니다. 위에 지적을 해 드렸듯이 논리적 비약이 있는
문장들이 있었고, 같은 말을 표현들만 바꿔서 적으시는 안 좋은 습관이 있으셨어요. 문법 오류들은 지적해 드렸으니 참고하시길
바랍니다. |
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