There are some disagreements over
whether or not lots of vacation from a job takes priority over a higher salary
and not much free time. Some people believe that there are a lot of advantages
in terms of lots of vacation rather than a higher salary and busy life. My
view, however, is that a higher salary and not much free time takes precedence over lots of vacation. This is because
there is the sense of comfortable comfort.
Moreover, there is the factor of preparation on
the upcoming future.
To begin with, people
who have a higher salary and but are busy are more comfortable. A great number
of vacations make people waste a lot of money, which is because most of people
prefer to travel when they have vacation. However, if they have lots of
vacation and but do not earn enough money, they will be stressed out even
though they are provided lots of vacation by their company. In the other words, even if people make a lot of money and but have
less free time in their company, they will be comfortable because they earn
enough money for the later future. For
example, my uncle wanted to make a lot of money because he was greedy. To earn
a great amount of money, he had to work for a long time without taking a
enough break. After he quieted quit the
work, I saw that he traveled all around the world with a lot of money. It
seemed that he was not concerned about the expenditure of vacation and he was pleasure
happy.
In addition, people who
go the extra mile to earn a lot of money without
free time can prepare for the forthcoming future. The well-fare welfare for the aged is important to people, which is
due to the fact that they cannot work for a long time by undermined physical
condition. Thus, people should take extensive measures
to make a lot of money. The company that gives employees
lots of vacation would provide less money. It is evident that the employees would suffer from the dearth of money when they are
older even if they are pleasure happy at the
present owing to lots of vacation. According to the a study conducted by a team at Korea University, the
research revealed that the older people who had lots of vacation when
they were young did not make enough money for their
older years well-fare for the aged. The researchers argued that
YOLO, which means that you only live once, was not the
right lifestyle for better well-fare for the aged. This was because young
people had a tendency to live for only the
present without not considering the
future. As a result, making a lot of money when they are young is critically
important for the coming future.
Writing
0-30 Score Scale |
Fair (17-23) |
Score |
21 |
Overall Comment: |
일단 결론이 없어서 감점을 좀
드렸습니다. 문법 오류들은 위 지적사항들을 참고하세요. Well-fare이 아니라 welfare입니다. Pleasure은 형용사가 아니고
명사입니다. 그래도 예시가 좋았고 포인트도 잘 잡으셨으니 문법 오류들만 고쳐주시고 결론을 써주시면 더 높은 점수 달성이 가능하실
겁니다. |
|