▶ Your Answer :
It is debatable whether organized people tend to succeed. This is an intriguing question because opinions concerning this issue can be different relying on the individual perspectives. However, in my opinion, I support that people with ability to organize can succeed more than any others. To begin with, Having an ability of organizing is helpful to manage time since it can reduce time and effort to look for information. In the current world, time is a gold. If people waste time searching for information that is wanted to get in specific field. Will time wait for you? The answer will be no. In the fierce competitive world, to manage time is essential for people to succeed. For example, I will talk about my sister’s experience to illustrate this point. My sister was poor at organizing. So, she always was busy to look for something that she wanted to use at certain time. Plus, she used to deal with an important task without planning. When she had to prepare a crucial interview to get a job, she handled with it without considerate attitude. Finally, she could not reply an important answer, so she missed the chance of getting a career. This shows that the ability to organize is necessary for people to succeed. On top of that, an organized people are not likely to make a mistake, since they are always prone to prepare their works and accidents to occur in the future. This ability is one of the most essential factors to succeed. Imagine people who do not organize anything. Would it be possible for them to succeed? It is highly doubtful. The one key to succeed would be to organize. There was a poll conducted by the Korean EAP, with 200 the human resources manager as respondents. The purpose of the survey was to know the consensus view about the most important factor for employment. The majority of respondents ranked the ability to organize over any other factors. An overwhelming 86% replied that people with organizing capacity were good at their works than others, since they considered their tasks carefully at all times, and as a result they did not make a mistake. This proves that this capability is a great talent to succeed. All thing considered,. it is my belief that my argument regarding this topic has been effectively and precisely delivered with the reasons mentioned above. Never should we forget this issue may have a huge impact on our future.
Fair /Good (21-24)
첫번째 본문 -파란 부분, 같은 말의 반복입니다. organizing이 time management에 도움을줘서 어떻게 성공에 좋은 영향을 끼치는지 좀더 다방면으로, 구체적으로 설명해주세요.
두번째 본문 -단수 관사+복수 명사--문법 오류 -since 뒤에 주어+동사 있어야 하는데 동사가 빠졌으므로 are 넣어주세요. -imagine부분과 질문부분 첫본문과 겹치는 형태입니다. 질문 자체를 지양하시는 것이 좋은데 두본문다 질문은 특히나 지양해주세요. -중간에, to know를 넣음으로써 의미상 더 자연스럽게 해주세요. -끝에서 두번째 줄에, 문장과 문장 , 로 이을 수 없습니다. and로 이어주세요.
결론 -문장부호 오류 .-->, 내용상 둘다 보충이 필요합니다. 부연설명 부분에서 두 본문다 같은 말을 반복합니다. 이것은 내용 보탬에 도움이되지 않습니다. 예시쓰기 전부분에, 본인의 이유에 대한 부연설명을 더 설득력있게 해주세요.
수고하셨습니다~~ |