구체적으로 어디에 오류가 있는지 또 어디가 부족한지
그리고 하이라이트 한 부분 어떻게 고쳐야 할지
알려주십사~ 다시 올립니다(5번째)
#95
We nowadays see an increased number of rockets or satellites launching for space exploration on television, newspaper and magazine. Watching the beautiful scenery of outer space on television, we dream of one day when we will go picnic to Mars. However, when we just turn to another channel, there is a girl with tears in Africa, due to the pain of fatal disease she is suffering from. Looking into her big eyes, I thought, as long as there is a need to fulfill basic needs on Earth, much money will need to be spent on this planet.
Some people who strongly support outer space exploration argue that it will bring us more benefits than anything. It is argued that if any raw material is discovered on other planets, it will allow us to create more advanced products for less cost. They additionally emphasize the potentiality of building a new settlement in other planets that will rescue people on Earth from its destruction, if the outer space exploration successfully continues on.
On the other hand, the problems seriously threatening people on this planet, the Earth, should not be neglected. According to a newspaper article, in a recent statistic, it was reported that the GNP of developing countries like Africa or South Asia is below $300, which is by far less than that of developed countries such as U.S or England. As this statistic reflects, a large number of people in Africa are hardly fulfilling any of their basic needs such as having food or water. Many of them are under the threat of dangerous diseases owing to their low level of sanitation. In South Asia, the poor do not even have a single place to spend a cold night, consequently they sleep on the street covering themselves with newspaper instead of blanket.
Considering the deadly situations still exist on Earth, rather than pouring down the hugh amount of money on outer space exploration, if the world spends only a small portion of the money on solving chronic(-> longterm?) problems in developing countries, I believe that the Earth could be a better place to live. Just looking back what has been under the shade, we will be able to live a better life on the planet where we are, not anywhere out in the universe.
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ETS식 에세이를 지금 터득해서 처음 써 본 글인데요.. 아주 제가 봐도 3점 나오면 Thank you할 정도네요; 그러나.. 예상 점수 써주시구요, 도대체 어떻게! 해야만 제가 그 6.0을 도달할 수 있을지... 상세히 풀어주시면 감사하겠습니다.
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