▶ Your Answer : Various opinions may exist over the argument whether parent's involvement in their children's education is greater nowadays than in the past. (주제 문장 그대로 사용하지 마시고 동의어를 활용하여 paraphrase해 주세요) As far as I am concerned, I am in complete disagreement with the argument. The two ideas stated below can be valid evidence to support my view.
Above all, studying by oneself shows outstanding effectiveness in improving responsibility. Modern society admittedly requires people who surpass others both in specialty and personality. To be more specific, knowing how to be a reliable person by doing tasks and making plans on one's own is a necessary qualification for any successful person. Therefore, given the need for collaboration today, Studying without the help of parents clearly is more vital in building more promising future because it provides children with the important opportunities to achieve something with their bare hands. According to a recent study conducted by Seoul National University of Korea, more than 78% of parents answered that their involvement in their children's education was not effective. They also responded that children were able to make their own study plans and do their best to achieve them if parents let them to study on their own. Likewise, this result indicates that my argument is cogent. (본인의 주장이 설득력 있다는 내용을 스스로 작성하는 대신 argument가 예시로 인해 더욱 옳다는 내용을 강조하는 것이 더 logical/persuasive합니다) + 일부 주장과 일관되지 못한 문장들이 있어 수정했습니다. + 구체적으로 예시에서 78프로의 부모들이 간섭의 효과가 낮았다는 내용보다는 - 자녀를 자유롭게 풀어줌으로 인해 얻었던 benefit을 서술하는 통계가 더 설득력있습니다.
On top of that, thanks to the advancement of technology, especially the Internet and portable devices in modern days, parents should admit that their involvement in their children's education is not the only way to improve them. When society was underdeveloped, many children had to go schools or academies to study. However, as technology is coming closer and closer towards the cutting edge, children could study themselves anywhere by the Internet. Therefore, the best and the wisest way to cope with current circumstances is to let their Children study by themselves using various platforms around them. My personal experience can be illustrated to prove this point. When I was young, it was difficult to find information of education by using the Internet, so that my parents always willingly got information for me. However, educational technology is developed, and many children can utilize useful educational contents so that their parents do not need to spend lots of time and effort find information and let their children study hard. Since, educational programs could manage children like teacher sand offer interesting education contents, which can make children feel excited in studying. Therefore, parents' involvement in their children's education cannot make a greater impact than in the past.
To sum up, I believe my explanations above sufficiently prove the advantages of letting children educate themselves. Obviously, the significance of improving responsibility (책임감을 증가시키는 부분이 충분히 설명되지 않았습니다) and the availability of educational technology that can replace parents cannot be overemphasized enough. Hence, in order for parents and their children to acquire these benefits, they should realize that involvement in children' education is not effective.
Writing 0–30 score scale: Limited (1-16) / Fair (17-23) / Good (24–30)
ADDRESSING TOPIC
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ORGANIZATION
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PROGRESSION AND COHERENCE
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LANGUAGE USE
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GRAMMAR
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FAIR
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FAIR
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LIMITED
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FAIR
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GOOD
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각 카테고리별 SCORE: LIMITED / FAIR / GOOD
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- reason 1 의 reason이 명료히 정리되지 않고 예시도 perfectly supportive하다고 보기 어렵습니다. |