▶ Your Answer :
Children's intellectual,
social, and personal development is highly influenced by media they see. With this understanding, I
disagree that television and movies have more negative effects than positive
effects on children's behavior for two reasons. This is because television and
movies enable children to relieve stress and enjoy a better quality of life.
First, television and movies provide more outlets to
relieve stress on children. Understanding
the daily environment of children and the potential role of the media they (look) is necessary to substantiate
this view. Once they are at school, they have to endure countless
textbooks and continue to read more even at home. Such repeated
(exhausting) routine can eventually exhausted them.
(itself and eventually wears down them.)
As a way to manage the
ensuing stress, children can watch television programs or movies such as Disney
animation. Even if it is only for a short time, this can refresh their minds from the intense mental
pressure from school. In
this regard, I believe that television and movies have more positive effects on
children's behavior than negative effects.
Second, television and movies provide
more chances to enjoy a better quality of life,
Interestingly,
a renowned social scientist in South Korea published an article in "The
Korea Herald" last Thursday which claims that watching television programs
and movies enables children to live happier lives. Watching television programs
and movies increases their life satisfaction.
(has opportunity to increase their life satisfaction.) For instance, Watching
television programs (to) such as Disney animation has psychological benefits.
It helps to detract focus from studying and personal issues. In other words,
television and movies provide the benefits of
experiencing virtual reality and being their favorite characters when watching
them. (convenience for children to seek challenge that invoke feelings
of joy and energetic minds like the characters of program and movies they see
and they behave like that.)
To
sum up, I believe that television and movies have more positive effects than
negative effects for the following reasons: (to) it relieves stress and children can enjoy a better quality of life.
Consequently, the importance of the media
cannot be underestimated for the reasons I have mentioned above.
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Writing Score (0-30): 20-21
Score (0-5): 3.00-3.25
Grammar & Feedback: 두 가지 주장이 큰 맥락에서 보면 같은 내용 인 것 같아요.
두 개를 하나로 줄여서 쓰고 다른 주장을 제시 하시는 것이 더 좋을 듯 합니다.
문법적인 오류에 좀 더 신경 쓰시고 중간중간에 문장이 너무 길어진 것들이 있는데 그런 것은 두 문장으로 나눠서 표현 하시면 더 정확하게 의미가 전달 됩니다.
수고하셨어요.