▶ Your Answer : Some people think that families do not need to eat meals together. However, in my opinion, this perspective is not true for two reasons. First of all, if we have meals with our family members, family affection would be stronger. In addition, our health would be improved. To begin with, we can have family member’s attention when we eat meals together. 가족의 주목을 받을 수 있다는 표현은 좀 어색한 것 같아요. 가족들과의 유대감(bond)를 강화할 수 있다, 하는 식의 표현이 더 적절해 보입니다. Because mMost families talk about their schedules and everyday life during the meal time. Moreover, they share their recent concerns with each other and often sincerely, they make a strong attempt to solve their problems. As a result, we can feel our family's others' attachment. For example, I did not eat meals with my family before my father had retired. However, after his retirement, our family really tries started to have meal time together. Recently, our family eat meals together at least five times a week and we care more about each other than we did in the past. On top of that, having meals with family is significant to our health. If we eat alone, we may easily skip a meal because it is tiresome to make a meal for ourselves. myself. But skipping a meal is detrimental to health. On the other hand, when we have meal time with our family, we take care of other members’ meal and endeavor to eat together on time. Furthermore, since it takes longer time to have meals with family, eating slowly would be possible, which is more beneficial to health. For instance, according to the survey conducted by UCLA’s research department, about 79 percent of the participants reported that their health got has gotten better after they started to have meal time with their family. They said that this was is because they ate eat at consistent time by having meals with family members. Consequently, having meal time with family on a regular basis is helpful to health. To sum up, eating with family makes our family relationship and health much better. harder. In this regard, I believe families should share meal time together.
Comment : 가족관계와 건강 측면에서 가족식사시간을 중요하다고 보는 입장이 잘 드러난 글입니다. 좀 더 표현이 분명해질 수 있도록 어색한 표현들을 다듬고, 같은 표현의 반복보다는 다양한 표현을 활용해서 어휘력을 보여줄 수 있도록 발전시켜주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 가족관계와 건강이 '오늘날' 어떤 점에서 중요한지도 appeal할 수 있다면 주제반영도를 드러내기에 좋으니 이 부분도 생각해보시면 좋을 것 같아요. 수고 많으셨습니다~! Independent Writing Rubrics Score 3.5/5 An essay at this level largely accomplishes all of the following : - Addresses the topic and task well, though some points may not be fully elaborated (완벽하지는 않지만 문제의 요구사항을 대부분 잘 해결함) - Is generally well organized and well developed, using appropriate and sufficient explanations, exemplifications and/or details (적절하고 충분한 설명과 예시를 사용하며 대체로 글의 구성과 전개방식이 양호함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though it may contain occasional redundancy, digression, or unclear connections (중복된 내용이나 관련 없는 내용, 불분명한 연결이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 드러남) - May display accurate but limited range of syntactic structures and vocabulary (답안의 내용은 주제에 부합하지만 제한된 문장구조나 어휘를 사용함) |