▶ Your Answer :I agree with the above statement that it is
effective for young people to try various types of work because it will helps
them to find a long term job even if it is unlikely to give advantages for
people. This is because they can find a job which they are really interested in
and have valuable lessons by interacting with varieties of various people.
First
of all, these days many people do not don’t know well about their personality and
preference. So, they are struggling to choose what kind of job they are going
to do. However, if young people experience many kinds of work, they can find
real job that they want to do. For instance, when I graduated university, I
applied various types of company. But, there was no any job offers for me. So, I
decided to have a part time work. I worked for bakery, Chinese restaurant, café, library
and market. When I exhaust to work for part time, I realized that I could feel
true happiness that I have never experienced before when I worked for bakery.
After then, I determined to study more about baking and I also made my dream
that establishing my own bakery.
On
top of that, people who work long term in one job are limited to meet various
types of people. However, if people try to do various types of work, they can
have relationship with many different kinds of people and learn valuable
lessons from them. For example, when I have a variety of part time works, I
could have communication with many people. Among them, there is a memorable person
in the library where I worked for. One man named Erie who worked with me always
read the book. So, I asked him why you always read the books. He said that books
provide many genuine instructions which help people when they live their lives.
Thanks to him, I started to read book to get valuable lessons.
To
wrap it up, they can find a real job that they truly want to do and learn important
lessons from interacting with various kinds of people. In this regard, I
believe that people should try to experience different types of work to find a
long term job.
Fair (17-23)
서론 -types of work various 여러가지 이므로 뒤에 복수가 더 적절합니다. -interact with -varieties of =various 중복입니다.
첫번째 문장 -축약형 지양해주세요. don't-->do not -job offer이 없는 것은 no job offer 입니다. -명사 앞에 관사 -파란 부분 문장 이해가 가지 않습니다. -문장력과 표현력의 부족으로 내용의 설득력이 높지 않습니다. 두번째 문장 -책읽는 것을 좋아하게 됐다는 것은 설득력이 높은 예시/이유가 아닙니다. 다양한 사람들을 겪어서 어떤 장점/이점/발전이 있었다를 더 구체적으로 써주세요.
수고하셨습니다~~ |