▶ Your Answer : Some people may think that mobile phones have given more freedom. However, iIn my case, I totally disagree with them since rather than, mobile phones intrude privacy and prevent people from relaxing being relax at hoame. ^ To begin with, phones frequently evade personal life. In fact, today most people have phones whenever, wherever they go. Therefore, people always have to care phone to respond them. I will talk about my experience to illustrate this point. 3 year ago, wWhen I came to home after finishing work,. I felt tired and exhausted since I had to do hard work everyday. So, I really wanted to take a break and enjoyed my spare time at night. However, mMy boss and co-workers called me to order extra work. Even they dictated to work at home. Everytime I received a call called from boss, I felt uncomfortable. Even I thought that if there were no smart phone for me I would be comfortable. As a result, iIn my case, smart phone was not convenient but annoying one. ^ On the top of that, nNowadays, pPrivate life is was exposed by using SNS, Facebook and Instargram., To be specific, people have used smart phones and have posted their photos or events. Thus, a lot of people are be able to see my personal information, and even stranger can do. In addition, many people may be addicted by their phones, consequently. Tthey cannot take a rest during their free time because of utilizing phones. There was a poll carried out by the Korean Department of Labor with 200 employees as respondents. The purpose of the survey was to understand the consensus of view about the level of dependence desponding on phones. The majority of respondents replied that they might seriously rely on their smart phones. The reason was that they sometimes felt anxiety without them so they regularly checked up phones. This survey proves that most people take attention to their smart phones during most of their time without having relax. ^ To sum up, mobile phones definitely have advantageous. However, I believe that it there is a double-edged sword. since, infringing privacy and addiction problem. In this regard, I firmly claim that mobile phones have bad aspects on people.
Fair (17-21)
서론 -대소문자 오류 -being relaxing 어색한 표현입니다. 그냥 relaxing이라고 해주세요. 첫번째 본문 -대소문자 오류 -when절은 완전한 문장이 아닙니다. 주어+동사, when 주어+동사 혹은 when 주어+동사, 주어+동사로 해주세요. -전화가 온다, 전화를 받다는 get a call/receive a call로 써주세요.
두번째 본문 -대소문자 오류 -첫문장에서, 문맥상, nowadays, 이므로 was-->is 해줍니다. -be-->are 주어가 복수 -같은 문장에서, 문장 두개 이어주는 매개 필요하니다. and로 이어주세요. -철자오류 -depend 동사 철자 유의해주세요. 또한, ~의 레벨이므로 명사형이 적절합니다.
결론 -철자 오류
전체적으로 내용은 괜찮습니다. 다만, 문법/철자/대소문자 오류 등이 많으시네요. 자잘한 실수들 쌓이면 감점이 많이 됩니다. 또한, 글의 흐름을 끊기도 합니다. 연습해주세요. 수고하셨습니다~
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