Some people think that moving to a new city of country is not a good idea because you will lose your old friends.
However, iIn my case, I believe that even moving to other cities does ose not make people to not keep in touch with their friends. Since, aAll people can not live in the same hometowns, people can move to strange places unintentionally someday and you can connect with your friends anytime nowadays.
To begin with, you can experience totally new ones and learn numerous something. Yyou can make friends with diverse background and visit new venues. That could develop you to get highly adaptable in new environment. So, all these will be personal properties. Particularly, having a wide social network is basic to succeed in the future. That is because that who you know is more better important than what you do for you.
For example, I will talk about my experience to illustrate this point. When I was a little I lived in Sseoul for 15 years. Eeveryday I and local friends hanged out outdoor, hide and seek and board games and so on, but I had to move to Gang-Ju since my father transferred his job. At fFirst, I really disliked to move out and stayed away from my best friends. Sso, I cried out every night. Finally, when I went to the strange place I felt lonely and missed friends. However, soon after I made make up new friends easily and my new friends brought me local library, museum and amusement park. I experienced a new world and spent a great time. Consequently, I did not have to feel alone., I think a variety of experiences are not fears but helps.
On the top of that, mMoving out of my town does not mean that losing my old friends. To be specific, these days people can keep in touch with my friends whenever I want. Since, The public transportations and communication services are developed enormously, so, I can meet friends as long as I make up my mind. If I miss my old buddies I also use tThe Internet telephone and we are able to talk about our recently events while looking each other’s face whernever we live, even when we live other counties individually. That shows that keeping in touch with friends is not difficult nowadays.
According to the research was conducted by The Korean Board Broad of Education to understand whether moving out of their hometown could affect relationship with old friends. The researchers tracked the habits of 200 university students over a 3 year period. What they found was intriguing. They have kept in touch with friends with mobile phones frequently and actually meet at least every month. Moreover, tThey said that the physical distance t is not a big deal to meet friends. This study demonstrates that living in a different areas respectively does dose not make people lose old friends.
^
To sum up, separating with your old friend is not a bad experience because, you can meet new people and places. Plus you hang out with your friends whenever by public transports and communication equipments. In this regard, I firmly believe that moving to a new areas is not a negative idea.
Fair (17)
서론
-대소문자 오류. 문장 중간에 고유명사가 아닌 이상 대문자로 표기하지 않습니다.
-in my case 문장에서, to not의 부정의미를 포함시켜야 본인의 주장대로 의미가 전달됩니다.
-can not-->cannot
-토플 에세이에서 you 사용 지양해주세요. people로 표현해주시는 것이 적절합니다.
첫번째 본문
-you 사용 지양
-첫번째 문장에서 분홍색부분 더 명확하게 써주세요. new ones, something은 굉장히 모호한 표현입니다. 본문 첫문장은 주장문으로 인식되어서더 명확하게 쓰시는 것이 좋습니다.
-대소문자 오류
-마지막 문장에서, better important 어색한 표현입니다. 그냥 better than이라고 하시던지 문장에서 바꾼대로 바꿔주세요.
예시
-예시와 윗 본문 문단 합쳐주세요. 혼란을 줍니다.
-대소문자 오류
-cry out은 울부짖다라는 표현으로 좀더 극단적인 상황에서 씁니다.
-시제오류
-그냥 , 로 문장 두개 이을 수 없습니다. 마지막 문장 두개로 쪼개어 주세요.
-a variety of 로 써주세요.
두번째 본문
-대소문자 오류
-keep in touch라고 하셔야 합니다. 그냥 touch는 만지다의 의미로 쓰입니다.
-대체로, since, because 뒤에 , 붙이지 않습니다.
-since와 so 둘다 문장 두개를 잇는 매개입니다. 따라서, 두개 같이 쓰지 않습니다.
예시
-철자오류
-대소문자 오류
-단/복수 동사 오류
--a+복수는 문법 오류입니다.
결론
-a+복수 오류
내용은 둘다 괜찮습니다. 하지만, 오류가 너무 많습니다. 연습 많이 해주세요. 또한, 서론+본문1+본문2+결론 의 틀로 써주세요. 4 문단으로 써주세요. 예시문단 따로 떼어내지 말아주세요.
수고하셨습니다~