▶ Your Answer :
There might be some people who agree that students should participate in a part-time job. However, I strongly disagree above the idea with two subsequent reasons. First, students should concentrate on their academic performances. Also, a part-time job can make the stress for students.
First of all, students should concentrate on academics, which is the most important thing for students. Good grades will help them to get into good university and get great jobs eventually. As students get older, academic record is the only thing that actually matters. This may sound a little far-fetched, however, it is true in South Korea. South Korea’s atmosphere is very competitive for most of the people. Let me bring up my personal experience. When I was in high-school, my academic record was not great. very low grade which is around D grade. As a result, I could not have a great job and I am still spending time on studying to get a better job. and making a license, which to help get a job.
- 예시가 too general 합니다. 왜 학업에 집중해야 하는지 (좋은 직업을 갖는 조건 중 가장 중요한 조건이 성적이며 이 때를 놓칠 경우 이후에 직업을 구하는 데 있어 어려움을 겪을 수 있다 등) 내용을 상세히 작성해주시고 이에 맞는 개인적인 예 (본 예시는 개인적 경험이 드러나 있기 때문에 south korea 라고 일반화하지 마시고 왜 낮은 성적으로 인해 직업을 구하는 것이 힘들었는지 작성해주세요)
Second, a part-time job is very stressful for students. If I can prevent them to participate in a part-time job, I will do because this job is very tired and stressful. (모든 직업이 힘들고 스트레스가 쌓이는데, 왜 part time이 그런지 구체적으로 내용을 작성해주세요) and they should study also. Nowadays, People are living in a busy and hectic life, so they are under great stress. However, a lot of them do not even realize that they are stressed out. Also, stress is known to be a major factor that keeps us from being healthy, and many people are suffering from a various mental problem such as depression and nervous breakdown. (스트레스에 대한 template을 사용했는데, 구체적으로 이 내용이 part time과 어떻게 관련이 있는지 전혀 설명이 제시되어 있지 않습니다.) + 주제에 대한 이유를 뒷받침하는 예시도 제시되어 있지 않습니다.
In conclusion, a part-time job provides not only stress but also bad academic record that can disturb their future. In this regard, I personally believe that working in a part-time job is a bad idea.
Writing 0–30 score scale: Limited (1-16) / Fair (17-23) / Good (24–30)
ADDRESSING TOPIC
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ORGANIZATION
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PROGRESSION AND COHERENCE
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LANGUAGE USE
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GRAMMAR
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LIMITED
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FAIR
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LIMITED
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LIMITED
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FAIR
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각 카테고리별 SCORE: LIMITED / FAIR / GOOD
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- 에세이 분량은 300자 이상이면 되며 내용 속 논리의 흐름과 예시가 얼마나 내용이 풍부하게 작성되었는지, 단어 난이도는 어떠한지, 아이디어 발전이 어떻게 이루어지는 지가 점수에 더 큰 영향을 줍니다. |