▶ Your Answer :
Some people might say that students get study in their classrooms more. However, in my opinion, students get more going on field trips rather than merely studying in their classrooms. One reason is that students get diverse experiences outside and this only can be achieved from field trips. Another reason is that there will be a lot of limitations to accumulate knowledge. --> 이유들이 굉장히 general하며 주제에 specific하다고 보기 어렵습니다. 또한 "~보다 ~하다" 에 대한 동의/반박이 주제이지 "~을 해야한다"에 대한 동의/반박이 아니기 때문에 off-topic이라고 볼 수도 있습니다.
To begin with, people would gain various experiences through the field trips and it will be more helpful for people who want to grab the opportunity in terms of all social businesses since they can get the better stance if they have lots of experiences. To those people, experience is one of the most essential factors of success in the world. I will give you an example to elucidate my point. Mark Zuckerberg, the founder of social media network company called Facebook, went to lots of field trips around his area when he was in Harvard, such as Connecticut and New york. In the mean time, he stacked a plenty of experiences through the field trips. Later on, it was helpful for his career when he created his service Facebook. - Field trip이 구체적으로 어떻게 도움이 되었는지 (사람을 많이 만나고 네트워크를 형성하면서 온라인 네트워크의 중요성을 인식할 수 있게 되었다 등) 내용이 빠져있으며 본 예시가 주제에 대한 입장을 support한다고 보기 어렵습니다. (앞서 언급한 off-topic)
On top of that, there are many restrictions when it comes to just studying in the classrooms; students will only secure textbook knowledge. When we think about the learning, it contains not only textbook knowledge but also other objects such as experiences. Therefore, their views will be so narrow. For example, in South Korea, most of high school students are studying based on textbooks only such as mathematics, linguistics, and foreign languages subjects without any other activities such as club field trips. Because of this, experts (어느 기관인지 명시 X: 공신력 부족) found out that Korean high school students' gratification of learning was so low. --> 예시의 credibility가 없습니다 (정보 출처 등) + field trip이 더 낫다가 주제가 아닌 말 그대로 field trip을 통해 get more 한지 아닌지에 대해 포커스가 맞추어져야 합니다.
To sum up, field trips will give for people to have a wide variety of knowledge, and it will help them in the future. Furthermore, heaping only knowledges about the textbook will have a lot of limitations. (배움에 제약이 생기는 것인지, 학생들의 사고방식에 제약이 생기는 것인지 내용이 불분명합니다) In this sense, I believe that students should get more from going on field trips.
Writing 0–30 score scale: Limited (1-16) / Fair (17-23) / Good (24–30)
ADDRESSING TOPIC
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ORGANIZATION
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PROGRESSION AND COHERENCE
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LANGUAGE USE
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GRAMMAR
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LIMITED
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LIMITED
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LIMITED
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FAIR
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FAIR
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각 카테고리별 SCORE: LIMITED / FAIR / GOOD
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- 내용 전체적으로 구성이 논리적이라고 보기 어려우며 주제를 올바르게 이해하고 이에 맞는 reasoning + 구체적인 example을 제시해주세요. |