▶ Your Answer : People have different opinions about the statement that for successful life we have to develope many skills than focus on one skill. I firmly believe that the statement above is true. Because our life is getting longer and longer and we can get a lot of significant chances by acquiring various skills.
To begin with, people's life expectancy has got age is higher than the past. ago. So we have a lot of time to live. So we can't focus focusing on only one skill in our life. We have to prepare some other skills to be used using later. Nowadays, local societies apply many programs for old people which teach skills like baking, making something, and so on. Like this, elderly people prepare for their following life. Also, my friend's father for example, he retired his company and now he does farming. agriculture work. He prepared his farm before he leave his company. He harvests many crops and fruits and also he built a pension buildpansion which can be offered offer for travelers. My friend said that her father feels really happy. Therefore, to spend our time properly and happily having many skills is really need. 노년을 위해 다른 것을 준비하는 것은 '다양한 기술을 배우는 것'에서 논점이 좀 어긋난 느낌이에요. 논제가 묻는 것은 '성공'에 있어서 다양한 기술을 배우는 것이 중요한지, 한 기술만 열심히 하는 게 더 나은지에 관한 것이므로 성공과 관련된 설명이 연결되어야 합니다.
In addition, it is too hard to choose one's my way to focus on. So we need experiences by developing many abilities. During While learning learn the skills we can find our way which we really want to do. Like this Also, we can get a lot of chances by developing many skills. We can meet many other people in other sectors and it widens our thought. make us to have wide thinking. Also it can be a chance to relieve the stress from our daily life. For instance, I had a guitar class in my high school. high shcool. At that time, many students felt stress from studying. So school opened many classes for students like the guitar, sports, and so on. While I attended the guitar class I could forget about my record and felt stress out. Like this, focusing on one thing is really no good at our life quality. 마찬가지로 여러 기술을 익힘으로써 스트레스가 풀린다는 내용은 '성공'과 크게 관련이 없어요. 여러 내용을 한 문단에 넣으면 일관성을 해치게 되므로, 일관성이 유지될 수 있도록 한 가지 내용만 남겨서 정돈해주세요. 앞부분에서 여러 기술을 익혀서 다양한 기회를 마주할 수 있다는 내용을 발전시켜서 성공과 연결짓는 게 더 적절해 보여요.
To sum up, for the reasons that I mentioned above, . Not not just concentrating on one skill, but acquiring many skills will be better to people's life.
Comment : 논제가 '성공'을 중심 주제로 삼고 있다는 점에 유의해주세요. 현재 답안에는 불필요하게 섞여 들어간 내용이 많아서 일관성이 잘 드러나지 않습니다. 성공에 있어서 다양한 기술을 익히는 것이 왜 더 도움이 많이 된다고 생각하는지 명확한 이유 두 가지를 각각 본론으로 구성하고 관련된 내용으로만 설명과 사례를 조직해주세요. '인생이 기니까'라거나 '스트레스가 풀리니까'와 같은 이유는 설득력을 갖기 어렵습니다. 문법오류와 오탈자도 많은 편이니 정확하게 전하고자 하는 내용이 전달될 수 있도록 정확한 어법을 구사할 수 있도록 신경써주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 2.5/5 An essay at this level may reveal one or more of the following weaknesses :
- Limited development in response to the topic and task (문제의 요구사항에 정확한 답변을 하지 못한 경우) - Inadequate organization or connection of ideas (연결이나 구성이 부적절한 경우) - Inappropriate or insufficient exemplifications, explanations or details to support or illustrate generalizations in response to the task (설명이나 예시, 세부사항이 필자의 주장을 뒷받침하기에 부족하거나 부적절한 경우) - May demonstrate inconsistent facility in sentence formation and word choice that may result in lack of clarity and occasionally obscure meaning (문장의 구성 또는 어휘의 선택에서 내용의 명확성이 떨어지거나 의미 전달이 불분명한 부분들이 있음) - May display accurate but limited range of syntactic structures and vocabulary (답안의 내용은 주제에 부합하지만 제한된 문장구조나 어휘를 사용함) |