▶ Your Answer :
My mom always wanted me to live on my own when
I entered college. She said that it is normal in most of the western countries.
(pushed me for living by myself after I'm admitted to a university, supporting
her argument with the case of western countries where over-20-aged students
often live independently.) However, I prefer to live with my family members
rather than alone for two reasons: money and education.
First and foremost, young adults
are not able to pay their tuition. (by living and earning money by themselves.)
For example, in Korea, the average tuition
fee for a semester is around 5,000 dollars. The thing is that the minimum wage
is 7 dollars an hour. Therefore, even if young people
work 8 hours a day for five weekdays, they cannot earn enough money to pay for (register for) their (academic) education.
As (the new) young adults need financial
assistance for their educational (path for their bachelor's degree), I believe
it is better for them to live together with family members.
Secondly, even if young adults are all grown up, (owners of identification card
which signifies that they are recognized as adults,) they still have a lot to
learn from their parents. To illustrate this
argument, they might not know how to choose a good
house or a car. They still need to learn a lot from their parents’ life experiences. (make
a housing contract, buy used cars which condition is suitable for long-term
driving, or taboos in drinking. Drinking alcohol, choosing proper used cars or
settling a real estate contract are issues that young adults are not familiar
with, as those instances are only allowed for adults meaning that they should
learn how to deal with them by parents.)
For these reasons, young adults should (have to) live with their parents (mom and
dad) for a certain period of time as they
are unable to support themselves yet. They also
need to learn more from their parents. (their high-level education
financially and unaware of manners and behaviors essentially required for
adults.)
Writing
Score (0-30): 15-17
Score
(0-5):2.25-2.50
Grammar
& Feedback: 글이 짧고 예시가 없습니다. 주제와 크게 상관없는 디테일들을 너무 많이 쓰셔서 거의 대부분 뺐어요. 문법적인
오류도 너무 많습니다. 좀 더 신경 쓰세요. 수고하셨습니다.
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