▶ Your Answer :
There are some disagreements over whether
or not teachers are suggested to improve their knowledge for students every
five years. Some people believe that it is unnecessary for all teachers to
enhance their ability every five years. My view, however, is that it is clear
that all teachers should develop their capability in relation with teaching and
knowledge every five years. This is because there is changed modern society changes at a fast pace.
Moreover, the knowledge of students is improved gradually.
To
begin with, the modern society has is converted so fast as the time has passed by. The
government should concentrate on proper education policy that helps all students are adequate in the have adequate environment of school and assimilate a wide range of
information which can act as great help. The concentration makes the policy
change. Also, with the help of advanced science, assorted tools that are
utilized to teach have continued to invent. The tools play a significant role in on making students focus more on their teacher and acquire knowledge in a rapid
rate. For example, in Republic of Korea, teachers taught to their students by
writing on board in the past. However, the government enacted the policy that
teachers had to learn about computer skills and use them it when they teach. Thus, in
the contemporary society, teachers have a tendency to teach their students
through a computer, which is helpful for students to concentrate on class because
computer is involved on is full of visual and sound effects that are enough for students
to be captivated. 현재 내용은 '교사가 5년마다 지식을 업데이트 해야 한다'라는 입장과 연결되는 연결고리가 부족합니다. 정책과 교육방식이 빠르게 바뀐다는 내용만 설명하는 것이 아니라 이것과 연결해서 '이런 상황에서 교사가 최소 5년마다 계속 지식을 업데이트해야 뒤쳐지지 않고 제대로 학생들에게 학습기회를 제공할 수 있다'하는 식의 주장을 만들어주세요. 문단 안에서 반복되거나 불필요한 내용도 좀 더 정리해주세요.
In
addition, the educational level of students tends to increase gradually. The
development of technology results in moving wherever without the limitation of
space and time, upon which parents' make a decision that to let their children study abroad
early. The effort of parents makes their children improve their language skills and , which lightens the burden of language. Also, students have a wide array of tools
that help them to study. Therefore, they can access the information that they
need in an easy manner throughout the tool such as the internet. According to
the study conducted by a team of at Korea University, the research revealed that
the number of students who entered a university have has increased augmented gradually. This means meant that the level of education on of students has been improved more than the
past. As a result, the researchers concluded that the government had to force
all teachers to improve their skill as much as the ability of students was
enhanced. 문단이 담고 있는 내용이 너무 많습니다. 일찍 어학연수를 보내고 / 인터넷으로 정보를 많이 얻고 / 학생들의 교육수준이 높아졌다는 내용이 '왜' 교사가 5년마다 지식을 더 업데이트해야 하는 이유가 되는지 연결이 불분명합니다. 명확하게 한 가지 이유를 가지고 '그러니까 교사가 지식을 업데이트하는 것이 필요하다'라는 나의 입장과 연결될 수 있게끔 내용을 더 정돈해주세요.
To
summarize, teachers should comply with the demand of changed society, and
moreover the capability of students which has been improving have been ameliorated gradually.
Considering the two above reasons, it is evident that all teachers should go to
the extra miles to improve their teaching skill.
Comment : 시대가 빠르게 변화하는 것과 학생들의 수준이 높아지는 것 모두 입장을 뒷받침하기에 아주 좋은 근거입니다. 하지만 이 내용을 각 본론에서 설명할 때 불필요한 요소가 너무 많이 섞여 있고 배경 설명에 초점이 많이 가 있어서 필자의 주장이 잘 드러나지 않는다는 점이 아쉬워요. 각 본론이 주장하는 바가 좀 더 명확해질 수 있도록 내용을 정돈해주세요. 한 문단 안에는 한 가지의 요지만 두고 내용을 풀어내는 것이 중요합니다. 문법 오류도 꼼꼼하게 검토하셔서 정확하게 내용 전달이 가능하도록 더 다듬어주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 2.5/5 An essay at this level is marked by one or more of the following : - Addresses the topic and task using somewhat developed explanations, exemplifications and/or details (일정 수준의 설명과 예시를 활용하여 문제의 요구사항을 해결함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though connection of ideas may be occasionally obscured (문맥이 모호한 부분들이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 어느 정도 드러남) - May demonstrate inconsistent facility in sentence formation and word choice that may result in lack of clarity and occasionally obscure meaning (문장의 구성 또는 어휘의 선택에서 내용의 명확성이 떨어지거나 의미 전달이 불분명한 부분들이 있음) - May display accurate but limited range of syntactic structures and vocabulary (답안의 내용은 주제에 부합하지만 제한된 문장구조나 어휘를 사용함)
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