▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that achievement from hard work is more important than a relationship with the family. However, in my opinion, it is more valuable to spend time with family. Although labor is one of means to find our identity, it is also one of means to earn money which we need to live essentially. I strongly believe that we can not discover our life’s value by from only working. Spending time with family can give us that we can not get from working. valuable lesson that can not be acquired from work place. To begin with, the family can give us stability emotionally. emotional stability. To be specific, at home, we don’t need to worry about firing from the company do not have to worry about ordinary life. If I have some problem in business, the family will encourage me to release calmful such stresses. At that time, I can release my stress from work. It can allow we can concentrate on work again to concentrate on work. This kind of process is needed us to doing well continuously to do well. From my experience, I had got a big stress because of study got a big stress from the study. At that time I came back home from the library and then had a dinner with family. My parent looked at my face and they recognized my difficulty. They said me that slow and steady was your advantage. I was really touched and I could try studying hard. On top of that, there is time limitation which we can spend time with family. To be specific, if someone of family is dead, we can not meet forever. From this unchanged fact, I think we should spend more time with our family whenever we can. From my experience, I have heard frequently that lots of people have regretted their 20s and 30s because they didn’t did not visit their parent’s home. They told often that they should call their parent and have a meal with family. Thus, if we did not want to regret, we should try keeping relationship friendly with the family. Perhaps, it is most valuable time we spend with family. In this regard, I hope to spend time with family. That makes me brave to live constantly and releases my stress. I don’t want to miss remained time with family because I don’t want to be a fool. We can not return our time we want. Consequently, we should enjoy the time with family when we can. Fair: 17~23 점수: 21 일단 문법적인 오류들이 있습니다. 이러한 문법적인 오류들은 전체적인 에세이 플로우를 방해하고 있기 때문에 에세이를 서술하시고 난 후 꼭 proofreading을 하시길 바랍니다. 또한 제 생각에서는 두 번째 단락의 이유는 적절치 않다 봅니다. 너무 극단적인 이유인거 같습니다. 이러한 극단적인 이유보다는 상대방이 이해할 수 있을만한 이유를 서술하시는 것이 좋을 거 같습니다. 독립형 에세이에서는 상대방을 설득 시키는 것이 우선순위기 때문입니다. 이러한 부분들을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |